How to Apologize when You Hurt Someone you Love?
In any conflict situation or other situation as well, it is possible that some action or inaction, things that you said or didn’t say, could have caused some emotional hurt, pain, anger, sadness, shame etc. to your partner.
So how do you repair the damage caused?
How would you know if your apology is adequate enough or effective enough to redress the hurt caused in your partner? Though I am using the term partner for a relationship, you can apply these concepts to any other relevant context also.
First of all, the question to ask yourself is – do you truly understand what is the extent of hurt caused with respect to your words, actions or inaction?
If your answer is, “I don’t know and it doesn’t matter”, then don’t even bother to apologize, cause your apology doesn’t mean anything. If how the other person feels doesn’t matter to you then the relationship also doesn’t really matter to you.
When the relationship is important to you, then it is important to repair the damage caused. If you value the person or the relationship then what you could do is to acknowledge and apologize. What really constitutes this apology? What makes an effective apology?
Is your apology as strong as the hurt that your actions have caused to the other person? The apology that you offer needs to be commensurate to the hurt or pain caused by your actions. Unless you truly and genuinely understand this, you may end up offering an apology with respect to your own understanding rather than the reality of the other person. This may not be adequate enough to address the issue and the hurt caused.
Let’s explore this tricky but essential aspect of relationships. Before we go into how to offer a genuine heartfelt apology , Let us quickly look at what is not an apology.
1. When you don’t really mean it.
When you just say sorry for the sake of saying it rather than actually meaning it or regretting the cause behind it or without even an understanding what happened, it is of no use. And things will not change for the better moving forward.
2. When the “but” buts in.
So, you tell your partner – “I know I came late from office on our date night, but you know how unpredictable my work is”
You are blaming the situation for your late arrival. not really focusing on how that impacted your partner. And once the but comes in, it perhaps becomes a justification which cancels out the intended apology.
3. “Yes I raised my voice – but you also irritated me or you also hurt me earlier”.
Here you are not taking responsibility for your part in the issue. Blaming the other person is not an apology.
4.”I am sorry if my words or action hurt you.”
“If” – do you really know the impact of your words or action on your partner?
5. “Ok I told sorry right? what else you want from me?”
I don’t have to explain that for sure. Your tone and body language communicate more than your words. There is absolutely no regret there.
6. “I am sorry that I did that. Is it such a crime? Aren’t you over reacting?”
You are defending yourself and completely invalidating your partner’s experience. Be prepared for an escalation, worsening of the situation and definitely no reparation.
7. “I’m sorry that I did but I never intended to hurt you. “
Whether you intended to hurt or not, hurt has been caused. Are you willing to take responsibility even if it was done inadvertently?
8. “I am sorry. I am such a lousy person. what can you expect out of me?”
Whether you blame the other person or blame your own self l for that matter, it is of no use because you aren’t taking responsibility. Situation will not improve.
Now that we have talked about what is not an apology, let’s look at how to offer a genuine and heartfelt apology.
1. Do you truly understand what really was the impact on your partner?
If you don’t, please talk to them and ask about it. Have a conversation with an intent to understand. They may blame you or accuse you in the moment, but be patient to understand their point of view.
You can say – “I know I did that. And I see that you are very hurt or saddened by my actions. Would you like to talk to me about it?” And listen attentively when they open up and share.
If they say that they need time, give them time, but then approach them again on the topic. Do not deny, defend or justify your actions. Then it’s not an apology and it would only worsen the situation.
2. Are you willing to take responsibility for your contribution?
There could have been many reasons that might have led to that action that you did that hurt your partner. And you might not have intended to hurt.
“I hear you. What I said that day has really hurt you. I shouldn’t have said that. I can see how hurtful it would have been for you”
The intent is to empathize and to Validate your partner’s experience. Once they have come down emotionally, and willing to accept your apology, then you can clarify that you didn’t really intend to hurt them.
3. Is it your apology followed up by a corrective reparative action?
How are you going to make up for the hurt caused? What have you learnt from this experience? How are things going to be different and better in future?
You can say “I know I hurt you. I feel terrible about it. how can I make it up to you?”
If they are willing to receive your apology then offer how you would do things differently in the future. But don’t rush to the future. If your partner wants to talk more or discuss more about what really happened listen to them patiently with an intent to understand.
Once they have expressed whatever they want to completely, then you can talk about the future. “I promise that I will talk to you more respectfully and won’t ignore you in future. I assure you of that”.
There is no point in apologizing if you are going to do the same thing again and again. Make sure there is a change in your approach and behaviour going forward.
So in Summary – here are the 3 steps to follow to offer our heartfelt and genuine apology
1. Understand the impact of your actions on your partner. Listen to them encourage them to express themselves.
|2. Take responsibility for your contribution
3. Ensure you take a corrective reparative action and not to repeat the same thing again.
Having said that, it is important that your partner also is willing to receive your apology.
A genuine apology can mend and heal the damage to the relationship. An apology without a real change is just manipulation.
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About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, TA etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling