How does parental conflict affect children?
Disagreements arguments, conflicts, fights are an inevitable part of any relationship. Especially in a very close relationship like a couple, who share their life time and space with each other, it is unavoidable.
I usually tell my couple clients in therapy that “conflicts are a normal part of a relationship. It is how you deal with the conflict that determines whether it brings you together or tears you apart”
This is even more important when it comes to couples who are also parents. The reason being, the impact of how these conflicts are being handled can be very significant upon the child.
No matter what the age of the child, there will be an impact. Even children as young as infants can sense the distress and discomfort in their primary caregivers, typically parents. Infants, toddlers, school going children, adolescents, and even adult children can get impacted by high parental conflict. The more frequent these conflicts are, the more intense they are, how long it takes for the parents to come back to normalcy – that is how prolonged they are, and whether the issue is appropriately resolved or remains unresolved between the parents, all these factors can impact the child adversely.
Children can sense both overt as well as covert conflicts. I have seen so many parents tell me that our children do not know that we are fighting. Which is so far from the truth, because the impact of the conflict will be seen in each one of the parent’s behavior, mood, responses and the children can sense it.
What happens to the child when parents handle the conflicts in an unhealthy / maladaptive manner?
When the child witnesses conflicts between parents frequently in any of the following ways,
- Parents shout and scream at each other, say hurtful and nasty things to each other
- The conflict escalates out of control, and becomes more and more intense
- The whole environment becomes tense, unfriendly, uncomfortable, for everyone around
- Anything that could be said or done by anyone could flare things up
- Uncomfortable silence that comes out of possibly passive aggressive behavior, like silent treatment, avoidance etc OR escalates into violence. (Children who witness violence or threats to violence experience trauma and this is considered abuse)
- Issues remain unresolved and get pushed under the carpet and parents resume being normal with each other, over a period of time
When children can’t make sense of what is happening, typically they blame themselves, that somehow they are the reason for the prevailing situation.
Children might internalize this experience, and based upon their coping strategy, it might manifest in problems like anxiety, depression etc. Very young children might regress, and might manifest in issues like bed wetting etc. Adolescent children might withdraw, engage in self harm etc.
Other children might externalize this experience, and might act out by throwing tantrums, aggressive behavior, delinquency, face difficulty in academics etc. Adolescent children can exhibit risky sexual behavior, substance abuse etc.
In the long run children have a difficulty learning how to handle conflicts in interpersonal relationships, problem solving, social adjustment etc and this can possibly manifest in their future relationships, thereby perpetuating this pattern on to the next generation as well. Parental conflicts and parenting approaches have a significant influence on the child’s cognitive and emotional development.
Parental conflict, doesn’t impact all children the same way
Even two siblings who are exposed to high level of parental conflicts might not be impacted in exactly the same way. There are many factors that influence this impact, which include the child’s inherent traits, temperament, age, the level of exposure to the conflicts, the child’s coping mechanisms, other environmental support available to the child – including extended family, school, friends etc.
Excessive parental conflict can also lead to the neglect or abuse of the child
- Parents who are engaged in excessive conflicts with each other will comparatively have less energy, time and focus to provide to the child.
- Parents might take out their anger or frustration on the child
- Parents might unwittingly share their experience to the child trying to make the child take sides or seek empathy from the child
- The child might end up feeling confused, helpless, and powerless in this scenario, none of which is healthy for the child in the long run.
How does healthy way of addressing a conflict between parents influence the child?
When children see or hear or sense the conflict between parents, and when they see that the conflict is dealt with in an adaptive manner – ie,
- Parents talk about it disagree about it in a calm manner
- Parents try to address the issue or resolve the issue in a respectful and caring manner.
- Parents resolve the issue and come back to normalcy and it is shown in their experience and behavior towards each other and others in the family.
This can enable the children to actually learn healthy ways of dealing with or addressing conflicts, in their own other relationships as well, in the present as well as in the future, when they grow up.
Many parents bring their child for counselling, saying their child has behavioral issues or low academic performance etc. As a therapist, I first talk to the parents to find out their parenting approach, their level of conflicts as a couple, their approach to managing these conflicts and whether that allows effective parenting or not. Many a times, though the child is identified as the patient by the parents, the issue could be in the familial system which needs to be addressed.
As a couple if you see very high level of conflicts between the two of you, it is important that you recognize it as a problem and do whatever it takes to address the same. You can seek professional help and meet with the relationship counsellor or a therapist to help learn about the repetitive unhealthy patterns in your interactions and address the same. If you are parents as well, then it is important that you take whatever necessary steps needed to ensure that your child doesn’t get affected adversely.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.