Are you in a Relationship and Still Feeling Lonely?
In a relationship and still feeling lonely? 4 steps to take to address this loneliness in your relationship and feel connected with each other.
So many couples come into therapy saying that they feel lonely in the relationship. They complain that there are no conversations happening between them. That they don’t feel the connection between each other, not able to be there emotionally for each other, and it leads to more and more loneliness and frustration which shows up as escalating conflicts pulling them even more apart from each other.
Some couples might have some major unresolved issues or some other crisis that they are facing, which need to be addressed and resolved before they can feel connected to each other again. But if there are no major crises involved, it is possible to take simple steps to reconnect with each other.
1. Remember – You chose each other as your partner.
In couple therapy, typically when I start to work with a couple, one of the first things that I encourage them to do is to reminisce and express why they chose Each Other as their life partner. You would have seen something in each other that made you feel some attraction and lead you to a decision to choose each other as your life partner. Or to think about the early part of the relationship when you would have come to have known some good things about each other. Expressing this to each other creates a nice cushion and brings back some fond memories for the couple.
2. Ask yourself if you are taking your partner for granted
When you are in a relationship – this is a very important question to ask yourself. Taking things for granted takes away all the positivity and retains only the negative, difficult, conflicting aspects of the relationship in your thoughts and memory. Look for positive traits and even small or big things that your partner does, by themselves or for you. Take interest about what your partner’s day has been or what they are working on and their challenges. Say thank you for the small and big things or daily things that they do for you. And ask yourself do I truly acknowledge these positive aspects and contributions that my partner brings onto the table. If the answer is NO, then start acknowledging and appreciating your partner now.
3. Engaging in more positive acts with each other consciously
If you are a working professional, isn’t it normal that you spend a lot of time, effort and energy to maintain a good impression and be in the good books of your management and colleagues. In the same note I would encourage you to also consider your relationship equally important. It is important for the both of you to be in each other’s good books, by being genuine, open, honest, respectful, caring and loving with each other.
Spend quality time with each other. Talk to each other. Conversations can be about your childhood, dreams, aspirations, experiences, lessons learnt in life etc. Identify common areas of interest and engage in activities together. Touch also could be a powerful way of showing care and love. Touch is not just sex, but includes non sexual touch like holding hands, hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding each other etc. Non sexual touch and closeness can lead to sex but not necessarily. I will perhaps make a another video on this topic of intimacy. So, your relationship deserves attention, importance and care as well. Make an attempt to engage in positive activities with and for each other and create pleasant memories with each other.
4. Be kind to yourself and your partner
We all have this critical voice inside, that could criticise both ourselves as well as the other person moment there is a problem or fault or mistake involved. And do a check, if you have the tendency to jump on any small mistakes, point out and criticize your partner at the earliest possible opportunity. Or do you have the habit of collecting and remembering all the list of faults or mistakes that your partner did that you would bring it up to them at a later date perhaps in a conflict. It is important to quieten the critical voice inside both towards yourself as well as people around you. You can try to replace it with more kind and compassionate words and voice. With this you learn to appreciate your own self as well as people around you.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling
Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in