How does lying impact your relationship?

Lying.  One of the common behaviours that we all engage in, somewhere or the other. We may lie about our whereabouts, or saying we will reach in 10 minutes when we know it will take half an hour, we may say that we are not well to take leave at work.  We tell these lies and we assume them to be innocuous. Are there lies in your relationship?  Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time? Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

One of my favourite sayings on this topic is
“The greatest advantage in speaking the truth is that you don’t have to remember what you said”

Before addressing the impact of lying on relationships, let us first look at what all would be lying.

– Omitting any piece of information deliberately – a partial truth or a partial lie.
– Hiding something or offering white lies assuming that what your partner does not know would not hurt them.
– Avoiding answers, or offering vague answers to avoid telling the truth.
– To defend yourself or to protect, you may be saying an outright lie.
– Lying could be about small little things are big things in life, but over time they do tend to pile up.

What happens when you lie your partner? Can you assume them to be innocuous or does it damage the relationship over time?  Let us find out.

1. Lying damages the trust in the relationship:

Trust is one of the fundamental pillars of a relationship. When you have been lying to your partner, you might do it assuming it will not be found or that it is too small etc. Trust me, lies will always found by your partner sooner or later. It can make them feel insecure and it would make them unsure about what to believe in and what not to. You may end up sowing the seeds of suspicion in your partner, that they may feel confused about anything important that you ever said was ever true. 

2. Lying does hurt both of you.

Many may justify that, what their partner doesn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. That’s a myth. Lying hurts both you and your partner. Your partner might feel devalued, unimportant and feel hurt. More time that passes, more can be the hurt caused.  And even if your partner hasn’t found out about it yet, you would still know that you lied, that could have a impact on your relationship, in terms of your openness and honesty and involvement in the relationship. It impacts your integrity and your sense of self.

Your partner knows even if they haven’t caught you or confronted you yet. When you are in intimate relationship your partner knows you deeply. They will know that something is off. This can pass them to withdraw or become suspicious. It can also impact your partner’s sense of worth in the relationship.

3. Lying creates a vicious cycle trapping you in a maze of lies:

And when you lie about one thing, you will end up lying for the more to cover it up. And lies have a geometric progression. That means to hide one you might have to say two, three or more lies. And to hide each one of them, you might have to tell two, three or more lies. And you will end up with a big pile of lies on other words a big pile of mess. This can make it a habit and you could get caught in this vicious cycle. You might end up feeling trapped in it, unable to get out of it with out damaging yourself, your partner and your relationship. Some times when you tell a lie repeatedly, you might also end up convincing yourself that it is the truth blurring the lines between truth and lie for you.

Is it possible to recover from the damage caused by lying to your relationship?

The answer is yes. It is possible to recover from the damage and re-build the relationship, provided both parties are willing to put in the effort required as needed.  This will require commitment to take full ownership of your past lies without any blaming or shifting of blame on the other or on the situation. The partner who has been lying will need to take the primary responsibility for honesty and accountability to rebuild trust in the relationship. This could mean, apologizing or explaining with out justifying your actions. To hear out the aggrieved partner offer validation and empathy. To learn from the past and commit to openness honesty ad transparency going forward. Of course the other partner also needs to be willing to look at their own contribution to the problem at hand, and allow for trust to be rebuilt.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in