The Four Pillars of a Relationship.
When couples come in for therapy, or even individuals who want to work on their relationship, one of the key things that we discuss and try to understand is what is their definition of a relationship. What are the components or what I call as pillars of relationship? Many Couples are surprised to realize that the definition of relationship is very different from each other.
Let me share the framework that I usually offer to clients, a set of pillars that need to be strong to support a healthy relationship. When even one of these pillars are damaged it does shakeup the relationship impacting its stability. Curious to know what these pillars are?
These pillars are
1. Commitment
2. Trust
3. Respect
4. Communication
Let’s jump right in, and talk about each one of them in detail.
The first Pillar is Commitment. Commitment has four layers.
1a. Legal commitment: When a couple get married it is a legally documented or legally valid relationship that is also a legal contract. Here both the partners get specific rights and responsibilities, and if they want to get separated, they may need to go through legally valid process or legal process to get divorced.
1b. Social commitment: If you are committed to each other or when you live together, you also take up a social commitment to present yourself as a couple. You may need to interact with each other families, and friends. If you have children, you take up parental responsibilities etc
1c. Emotional and Support commitment: Here you commit to address each other’s reasonable needs, which includes love, affection, care, concern, support and so on. Be there for each other physically, mentally, emotionally, financially in good times and bad times, take care of each other, share responsibilities etc. It is also a commitment to not seek or offer this kind of support outside of the relationship that makes your partner uncomfortable or without your partner’s consent. What is ok or not ok for your relationship, that is, what are the boundaries of your relationship is something that is defined by the two of you.
1d. Sexual commitment: To address each other reasonable sexual needs and to commit not to look for sexual experiences outside the relationship, with your partner’s consent if you are in a monogamous relationship. If you are in an ethical not-monogamous relationship, then the commitment is to stick to the agreed upon rules of your relationship.
The second pillar is trust:
It is said that it takes years to build trust but a moment to break it and forever to rebuild. To build trust it is important that both partners remain open and honest with each other. Trust also means keeping your words and promises, sticking to your commitments and taking action accordingly, not making tall promises and renege on it. Being consistent with what you do and what you believe in. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Being honest about your emotions, admitting to your mistakes and not repeating it and so on.
Many people think that, sharing partial information, withholding or telling White Lies which in their opinion doesn’t hurt the other person etc doesn’t damage the relationship, but it does. Maybe I will do a different video focusing on this topic, but when there are many lies being told, and subsequently your partner will figure it out. And they will not be able to trust if anything that you tell is true or ever told was truth.
The third pillar is Respect:
Without respect there is no real relationship, when you respect your partner, there is space for them to be who they are, to hold and express their opinions and preferences even if they are different from yours. To respect each other’s values and beliefs. That both of you know that you would consider each other choices, preferences, comfort levels, discuss with each other and arrive at a consensus for any significant decisions. Respect also could be about valuing each other, valuing what you do, valuing what each other does for the relationship. It is also about talking and interacting with each other’s families respectfully etc. It also means staying away from disrespectful behaviour like physical violence or emotional abuse, putdowns, insults, name calling, sarcasm, manipulation etc. Respect means, you both feel safe in each other’s presence, to be who you are and feel accepted by your partner.
The fourth pillar is Effective Communication:
Effective communication is the pillar that enables the other pillars to stay strong. The damage to a relationship first show up in this pillar as communication breakdown. Couples need to be able to communicate positively about how they appreciate each other value each other, how they are important to each other, and how they rely and are interdependent on each other. Couples also need to be able to have difficult communications (have a conflict) but still be able to convey their point of view to each other and understand each other point of views and arrive at a resolution. To be able to clarify misunderstandings, take responsibility for one’s own actions and inactions and apologize if needed. Couples also need to able to understand one’s own emotions, then each other’s emotions and be able to empathize with each other in order address each other’s needs.
So we talked about the 4 pillars of a relationship. Commitment, Trust, Respect and Communication.
Remember your relationship is like the house that you build on top of these pillars. The pillars are somewhere connected to each other. So when there is damage in one it will result in some damage and the others also, and damage when it is left unaddressed for long can ultimately impact your relationship significantly.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She is trained in different modalities like CBT, Gestalt, NLP, Family Systems Therapy, Transactional Analysis etc. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling
Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling and therapy services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in