Three types of intimacy in a couple relationship

As a couple therapist / relationship counsellor I often see couples facing challenges with the level of intimacy that they seek with their partner. Many come in to therapy frustrated and disappointed about their relationship with escalating conflicts and finding lesser and lesser ways of real contact and connection with their partner. In this article, I will try to articulate the different kinds of intimacy in a couple relationship.

When you are in a long term relationship, like marriage or a committed relationship you would expect to experience intimacy between the both of you. What does intimacy look like? In couple context I would classify intimacy into three major types. Understanding these could be the first step to understand the challenges that you face in this regard in your relationship.

1. Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the possibility to connect with your partner at a deeper level knowing your partner and allowing them to know you about your thoughts, emotions, fears and to be vulnerable to each other. Are you both willing to respond to sharing and vulnerability in an attuned manner. This involves significant levels of trust understanding between the partners.

This could entail talking about what is important for you, sharing your dreams and aspirations, talking about your past history or even painful experiences, and about your own relationship with each other. You trust that you will not be judged but understood, what you share will be confidential and what you share will not be used against you in any circumstances.

2. Mental / Intellectual intimacy

This involves being able to talk about your opinions, sharing your point of view on different topics, beliefs, values openly without fear of conflict. Even if they are different from each other, you listen to each other with interest and respect. To be able to have a healthy debate or argument. To have stimulating conversations. Showing interest in each others lives and interest areas. To take pleasure in doing activities together.

Mental intimacy is also to understand each other’s thought processes, idiosyncrasies, differences and celebrating the same. You can be yourself with your partner and be accepted as you are. That is such a liberating feeling to have.

3. Physical intimacy

We can look at two aspects of physical intimacy. One is non-Sexual intimacy and other is Sexual intimacy.

As infants, we were all held and stroked by our mother or mother figure or parental figure. Research has proven that physical touch is extremely important for the infant to have good psychological development. This need for physical touch stays with us throughout our life, albeit appropriateness comes into the picture. So some of this need gets morphed into seeking recognition through words or otherwise. But the need for physical touch remains. Sometimes a simple appropriate touch can convey a great deal of kindness or compassion to the other.

Non sexual touch between a couple could be anything from holding hands, a gentle pat on the back, a shoulder rub, kiss on the forehead, hug, sitting close etc. Touch can be a powerful and effective communication of care, concern, affection and love towards your partner.

Non sexual touch can lead to sexual intimacy based on both partners’ interest and intent. It could be a great way to bond with each other and can enhance the feeling of desirability and boost self-esteem significantly.

Why are some people scared of intimacy?

The need for closeness and intimacy is present in every single person but the extent of the need might be different from person to person.

People who are fearful of intimacy, typically would seek closeness but when they experience closeness or face a demand for closeness from their partner they would push them away or distance themselves – withdraw.

There could be many reasons why a person might be fearful of intimacy. This could be because of their past experiences in relationships, or might be a reflection of their earliest experiences of relating with their parent figures. Overtly though they may seem disdainful of closeness or vulnerability, but deep down they may be scared of being hurt, rejected or disappointed.

Communication is key to building closeness and intimacy. Honest, open, kind, respectful communication is essential. When you are able to experience true intimacy it can offer you happiness, safety, grounding, security and fulfilment in a relationship.

If you are facing difficulty in communicating with your partner or want to build healthy intimacy with your partner and facing challenges, professional help through couple counselling or relationship therapy can offer support and facilitate building a fulfilling relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in