5 powerful ways of working with emotions
Emotions can be strong indicators that something significant happening. Emotions can be motivators to taking appropriate action. All emotions have value to us. Having said that, not all emotions in all situations help us solve our problems. Also, when emotions are allowed to run rampant it can also result in actions that might be inappropriate and harmful, like crimes of passion or violent riots etc.
As a counsellor/psychotherapist It doesn’t surprise me anymore, when clients experience intense emotions in therapy or outside therapy, they perceive it as a weakness in themselves or something that needs to be hidden or suppressed.
Psychotherapy and Emotions
One of the key aspects of psychotherapy is enabling clients to be aware of their emotions, acknowledge, experience and build a heathy relationship with their emotions and to be able to exercise their choice and agency.
Rakesh and Shilpa (fictional clients) were married for two years. Since the pandemic they had planned for couple of vacations and had to cancel them for pandemic reasons. They were both unhappy about it. Rakesh was also annoyed that Shilpa didn’t get along with his parents as much as he did with her parents. As the lockdown ended one particular week they had plans to go out for dinner. And for three times in a row Rakesh ended up coming late from work and they had to cancel their plans. Shilpa got so furious and they had a big argument. She shouted at him and said unpleasant, hurtful things. Rakesh tried to defend himself but gave up after some time feeling ashamed and sad. She proclaimed that he didn’t care for her anymore and left the house to stay with her friends. Rakesh became even more sad, sulked and vowed to not reach out to her. Their respective friends and families took their corresponding sides and now they are at a lawyer’s talking about divorce.
Both of them couldn’t understand or regulate their emotions and resolve their issues and instead have placed their relationship in jeopardy.
How could they have managed their situation better? How could they have managed their emotions better? Did their emotions help them in solving their problems?
1. Understanding the intensity of emotions
When you listen to our emotions you can also listen to the intensity of the emotions. It enables you to ask a question whether the intensity of the emotion is commensurate to the event/incident in the here and now or is it inappropriate. If it is of inappropriate intensity, then perhaps this might be coming from your past history be it in the recent past or may be perhaps from your childhood. This is a good indicator to determine what course of action do you need to take in the present and what not to.
Do you think Rakesh and Shilpa were reacting to the here and now or on some piled up frustrations from the past?
2. Understanding your go-to/familiar emotions
Is this the emotion that is appropriate to the here and now or is this the most familiar go-to emotion whenever you are in problem situations? Typically, this would be the emotion that was allowed or encouraged in your childhood and got you the results that you wanted.
For Shilpa anger was her go-to emotion which got her what she wanted in her childhood and for Rakesh it was sadness. Her excessive anger as well as his growing sadness weren’t appropriate responses to the here and now.
Do you think their emotional responses let them towards solving their problem?
3. Uncovering and understanding – Underlying emotions – Layers of emotions
On the same given situation two different people can respond with two different emotions. For example, when people witness or come across an accident, one person might feel compassion, another might experience fear and another person might experience anger. Also, there could be more emotions underneath your first level emotions.
Underneath Rakesh’s sadness he was angry. And since he couldn’t get in touch with his anger, he couldn’t handle the conflict effectively. For Shilpa underneath her anger was a fear of not being important. And without being in touch with that fear, without awareness she would rather walk away from the relationship rather than face the risk of not being important.
If both of them were in touch with their emotions underneath (primary emotions that are appropriate to the situation) – Rakesh his anger and Shilpa her fear and expressed it to each other could they have truly understood each other and resolved their issue?
4. Recognize your bodily sensations
For many clients who are still learning to understand their emotions, I invite them to be in touch with their bodily sensations which are perhaps more easily accessible.
The body experiences physiological responses like changes in heart rate, tension in muscles, choking feeling in throat, queasy feeling in the stomach, trembling, feeling hot, sweating, coldness, numbness and so on. Each person will have a set of bodily sensations associated to a given emotional response. When you can identify this you can take simple steps relax your body to calm yourself down or energize yourself as appropriately.
Shilpa could feel her face go hot, when she got angry. She could’ve had a glass of water or taken a break to wash her face and come back in a calmer way to resume the conversation. Rakesh felt a choking feeling in the throat when sadness came over him, he could have taken a deep breath, soothed himself and may be moved around to energize himself into the conversation.
Despite calming down if the conflict still keeps escalating, they both could have taken a time-out, taken a break for a fixed agreed period of time, to be in a reasonable mind-space, to be able to talk out their issues towards resolution.
5. Evaluate and choose your options
When you are at an agitated state of emotions, your listening capability reduces, you discount possibilities and options towards problem solving. When you are aware of your underlying emotions and when you are able to express to each other, in a healthy manner, you are also able to empathise with the other person. This makes it possible to arrive at options that can lead towards problem solving.
Do you think Shilpa and Rakesh had choices and options for solving their problems?
Though the case given here is of interpersonal nature, a couple, these ways of working with emotions are equally powerful to work with individually, on your own emotions in any kind of challenging situation.
Emotions can be excellent signal bearers to our lives. They make life worth living when we are able to harness their power, understand the different levels and layers of emotions, express and empathise with self and others. And when we do emotions can make our life colourful, vibrant and fulfilling.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.
Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.