How can active listening and empathy help improve your relationship?

As a couple therapist one of the most common complaints that I hear from couples is that their partner doesn’t listen to them or doesn’t respond in a way that it makes them feel understood and comforted. Most of these couples have excellent communication skills but the effectiveness of their communication is seen to be low. Communication is one of the founding stones of any relationship, especially between couples / partners.  And listening is a key component of communication, which when diminished, creates gaps in understanding, leads to more conflicts overall reducing the quality of relationship. Active listening and empathy are skills that can be learnt and enhanced if the partners are motivated to make the relationship better. This typically is a key part of the couple counselling process.

What exactly are you listening to anyway?

When a person communicates either verbally or nonverbally they are communicating some form of content in terms of what happened, who said what, what the problem is etc. They are also communicating what they are feeling or emotions that they are experiencing.

So this is what you listen to – the content of what is said and the emotions which are being expressed. Sometimes you also may need to listen to what is not being said.  

So what is active listening then?

Active listening is a purposeful activity, to listen to what the other person is expressing in terms of content and emotions, with an intent of offering support by understanding appropriately and responding back with empathy.  Active listening is essential for being able to provide accurate empathy.

Active listening involves being present completely with your partner, showing interest in what they are saying, showing a keenness to understand, clarifying your understanding and offering a response without judgement or jumping into problem solving.

Barriers to active listening

Here are some barriers to active listening, but its not an exhaustive list though.

• Looking at your phone when your partner is talking to you.
• Getting bored or losing track in the middle of a conversation.
• Unable to respond effectively to your partner.
• Mentally preparing your response to say even before your partner finishes talking.
• Judging what is being said or the person.
• Jumping in to solve the problem even before understanding it completely or empathizing.
• Invalidating your partners experience or minimizing the impact of it.

7 steps to active listening and empathy that can help improve your relationship

Rahul and Neeta (fictional case)  have been married since two years now. One day Neeta is very upset about an incident that happened at her workplace where a colleague had shouted at her in front of others and she felt humiliated. Let’s use this example to see how Rahul can actively listen to Neeta and be able to offer her empathy and comfort.

1. Being fully present

Keep your gadgets aside. When your partner is talking to you provide them complete attention.  Show that you are giving them your full attention by making eye contact in a comfortable manner. Don’t start thinking of responses to give, first just focus on what is being expressed.

Rahul sits in front of Neeta, who is very upset and asks her “what happened”. She cries even more and he offers her a tissue.

2. Give appropriate verbal or non verbal responses

If your partner is talking about any difficulty or troubling situations etc, give them time to fully complete their sharing.  But in between you can respond nonverbally nodding your head, or use paraverbal connectors. 

As Neeta is crying and trying to tell what happened at office, Rahul keeps using these paraverbal expressions in a way that doesn’t interrupt her flow like “hmmm”, “yes”, “I hear you”, “It’s tough”, “ohh” etc. It also shows that he is paying attention.

3. Ask open ended questions.

Asking questions which are open ended also shows that you are concerned and interested in what your partner is sharing. 

Rahul asks questions like “What happened after that?”, “How did you feel then?”, “Would you like to say more about it?” etc. He wants to know more and also is encouraging Neeta to share more about what happened and how she is feeling.

4. Ask clarifying questions.

Asking questions to clarify your own understanding or to get any additional relevant details. It is important to stay away from curiosity questions or blaming questions. 

“Has this happened before also?”, “Does your colleague behave like this with others as well”, “How did you respond to her?”.  Rahul is asking specific questions, in that process also helping her reflect on what happened.

5. Reflect your understanding of the content and feelings

When you reflect or paraphrase your understanding of what was shared, you are also giving the other person a chance to correct your understanding by asking for feedback. In this process you are also validating your partner’s experience.  And you can do this even if you disagree with the content of what they shared.

Rahul paraphrases saying “I hear you. Due to some misunderstanding at the manager level, your colleague ended up shouting at you in front of so many others and you felt so humiliated. And you felt so angry that you thought about quitting. Did I get that right?”

6. Ask if they want to hear your opinion or an offer of solution

It is important to stay away from judgement when your partner is sharing something with you.  They might be in a vulnerable space and it is important to acknowledge and respect that.  You can ask whether they want your opinion about what happened or a suggestion.  And it is possible for them to say no.

Rahul asks Neeta, “Do you want to hear my opinion about this or a suggestion here? You can say no if this is not the right time”.

Neeta says “No not right now”.

7. Offer any form of comfort

Comfort can be offered in many ways. It could be holding hands or a gentle hug or saying that things will be better or even asking how they would want to be comforted.

Rahul gives her a hug and asks, “How can I comfort you at this moment. I really want to”.
Neeta says “I feel better that you understand what I went through. And for now, this hug is what I need. I am feeling better”.

In couple therapy, couples learn to listen to each other actively and build or enhance their capacity for empathy towards each other, bringing them closer in the relationship.

In an escalating conflict situation when both partners are emotionally triggered significantly or agitated, then listening is switched off. I recommend taking a time out before they resume the discussion on the topic of disagreement.  To understand escalating conflicts read my article on 4 things to do when your conversations are going nowhere and getting escalated into conflicts.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls. Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.