Mothers and Sacrifice. Need there be limits?

Today the 9th of May 21 is celebrated as Mother’s Day across the world. I personally feel every day is Mother’s Day.  But having a specific day encourages people to find reasons to feel grateful for their mothers. To reach out and express their love and gratitude to mothers. Mothers and sacrifice seem synonymous. But need there be limits?

When I say the term mother what words come to your mind? I spoke to a few friends of mine this is what they came up with.  Sacrifice, love, giving, selfless, accepting, caring for others, holy, warm, safe, home, comfort, strong.

I think I can safely say that most of us would be able to apply these adjectives to our mothers. Today is a good time for reflection, gratitude, and to express that to all the mothers of the world especially our own.

Having said that I think it is also a good time to reflect on and understand how our mother’s own dreams, aspirations, wishes and needs have been fulfilled.  Agreed, being a mother, to raise healthy and responsible children is a dream for many women. But does this mean that you give up on all the other dreams and aspirations that you have?

Mothers and Sacrifice being synonymous

Speaking of myself, my mother who was brilliant in her studies at school gave up her chance to be a doctor in the 60s, gave up her chance to be a news reader in All India Radio in the 70s, gave up a career of being a teacher all for the sake of her family and her children, though she had aspirations. She would even give up her share of sweets if her child (me) wanted it (after gobbling up my own portion). It was so inconsiderate of me, which I realized this far later in my life.  (“Sorry Mom, I could have been better”)   

This is a reality for many women even in the 21st century. Some give up their choice of career to be a full-time mother. She feels – if I was earning, then, may be I could have provided more for my child. On the other hand many mothers who are gainfully employed, feel a significant sense of guilt. Many ask themselves – Am I being a good mother? If I gave all my time to my children, will they grow up to be better? Am I selfish in pursuing my career as well as being a mother?

Need there be limits to mothers’ sacrifices?

To all the mothers out there, I would say do what you want to do but without guilt and without any regrets.  Sacrifice is a part of parenting. But I feel that there needs to be certain limits to sacrifice also, even for your own family and children.

For mothers who sacrifice everything for their children, the question I would ask is, is that the kind of role model you want to set up for your children? Your child might grow up with the sense that mothers does not have any needs of her own.  (Like the inconsiderate me)

On this Mother’s day I invite all of you mothers and others to consider the possibility that its ok for mothers also have other dreams and aspirations apart from being a mother.

Here are 5 strategies for Mothers and Others to move towards that possibility.

Realize that there is no perfect mother.

It is important to keep in mind that there is no perfect parent / no perfect mother. What you do with best intentions is good and that is good enough. And no matter how much you try and how much you do, you will still have flaws, because there has been no perfect person ever.

Share child care responsibilities

This does not mean just employing a nanny or having a set of supporting parents or in-laws around. Though there are many men who are learning and willing to do this now, it is important for more men to be involved in a hands-on manner in activities of child care and handling the children. And mothers, do allow your partner to share these ways of bonding with your child. 

Share house hold responsibilities and chores

Here again, it doesn’t mean just hiring a house help or a cook. What has been a sad reality in many households in the lockdown is that when the house helps and cooks were not allowed in the premises automatically these tasks and responsibilities fell back on the women’s shoulders. This is not real sharing.  True sharing could be great modelling for your children too.

Ask for help

Mothers you need to learn to ask for help. Asking for help does not mean that you are weak or you are an ineffective mother. Doing everything by yourself does not make you a superwoman. It just drains you physically mentally and emotionally.

Honoring your own needs is not selfish

To give yourself permission to honor your own needs alongside being a mother is possible. I would invite you to ask yourself what were my dreams and aspirations that I put on hold or gave up and what can I do about them. Your needs could also be selfcare that you need, staying in touch with your friends, having a support system within your family as well as outside your family and so on.

As we celebrate Mother’s Day today it will be valuable to understand, empathize and acknowledge the struggles and hardships that our mothers faced.  And to acknowledge what mothers face today also and to offer a supportive hand and empathic response to them in action.

What do you think ? Do comment below.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls.