4 simple steps to counteract that inner critical voice

Inner critical voice is a set of negative thoughts, attitudes and associated emotions that we have towards ourselves and others. These would be the first / automatic / default thoughts that come up when we are in trouble.

Shalini got into a small accident on her way to office on her two-wheeler. Though no one was injured including Shalini, and no major damage either to the vehicle, her whole day got ruined. The voice in her head kept criticizing her on and on saying – You are no good. You shouldn’t be driving. You are just as stupid in driving as you are in other areas.

Shawn had a fight with his partner Shiela and they went to sleep without resolving it.  He couldn’t sleep the whole night, with his inner voice telling him that he is not lovable, that he is not a good partner and the marriage is in a bad shape and they may end up in a divorce.

I am sure we all recognise this kind of a powerful, harsh, critical inner voice that keeps us in its grips, beats us into a pulp, damaging our self-esteem. We believe in this voice and accept what it says as a fact and get in to a loop of negativity.   It is not a real voice that we hear but a pattern of negative thoughts and attitudes that limit and restrict us from reaching our potential.

In extreme cases this can precipitate into depression, anxiety and other major mental health issues.  

Here are four simple steps to follow to challenge your inner critical voice and take away its power over you.

1. Be aware of the inner critical voice

The first step is always to be aware that I am hearing this in a critical voice.  To be aware that it is also a thought rather than an absolute reality. Ask yourself how am I feeling emotionally, put a name to it. Also, you can put a number to the intensity of the emotion in a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being low and 10 being the highest intensity.

2. Ask yourself am I maintaining double standards

To ask yourself would I say the same thing to a very close and dear friend of mine if they are in the similar situation? Will I be this harsh to them, and use these words which are scathing and hurtful? Even if they did make a mistake will I label them bad or stupid or any negative label?

If the answer is no, then ask yourself, why am I maintaining double standards when it comes to me?

3. Acknowledge but respond back as many times as you need

Many a time the critical voice may have a valid point. Is it possible for you to acknowledge the same at the same time respond to it in a way to make it soften? Even if I think the critical voice does have a point, can I make it a bit softer? Can I empathize with me despite my mistakes?

Shalini might say – I know that I made a mistake and the Accident happened.  Mistakes are part of life and that is how I will learn to be better. And I have been driving all these years without any major incident.  I am only human and making a mistake just means that I am human.

Shawn could say – Yes, we had a fight. But there have been good moments also in our marriage. I am not the only contributor to this problem. I will renew our conversation tomorrow when we are calmer and resolve this.  All marriages have conflicts and I choose to remind myself that we do love each other.

4. Note down how you feel

You may have to do this multiple times as required.  Once this is done note down how do you feel emotionally and put a number to the intensity that you experience now.  If you are able to steadily confront your inner critical voice, your emotional intensity would have come down. The more the number of times you do this the less powerful your inner critical voice would become.

Where does this inner critical voice come from?  How do they get so powerful?  I will answer these questions in my next post.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential counselling services including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Currently with the COVID-19 situation, all counselling services are offered online over video calls.