5 ways that your parenting approach may be driven by guilt
Is your parenting driven by guilt? Am I a good parent? A Question that I am sure a majority of parents are very familiar with, and a question that they struggle with. In my practice as a psychotherapist/family therapist, it is very common to see parents engage in actions or decisions that are primary driven by this question and the guilt that they feel.
1. Over indulging
Parents tend to over indulge the child or provide more than what the child needs. Many working parents fall into this trap, to deal with their guilt of not having more time with the child. Another scenario would be the need to provide the child with everything that you didn’t get in your childhood, without an understanding of whether it is necessary or not.
Yes, it is important to prioritize parenting responsibilities. Having said that, quality time is far better than quantity time.
2. Tolerating or ignoring disrespect
I see so many parents wanting to bring their child and adolescent for counselling with the complaint that the child is speaking or behaving disrespectfully. If there is disrespect modeled in the family, the child may learn from it or from other interactions or on media. When the child speaks or behaves dis-respectfully it is important to immediately address it effectively.
As a Parent if you ignore it or minimize the impact of it you are indirectly giving the child permission to continue to behave so. Tolerating disrespect is not love. Teaching the child to behave respectfully is love.
3. Discounting your own needs
It is not uncommon to see parents behave as though they don’t have any needs at all and only the child’s needs are important and given priority. For eg, This could be as simple as a piece of chocolate being shared among family members, the child finishes its own portion and then demands the parent to give away their portion too.
It is an important learning for the child to know that parents also have their own needs and preferences. And that every ones needs are important. Ensure that you take actions so that your needs are also met reasonably.
4. Fear of what will happen
Parents become scared when their child / adolescent starts threatening or even blackmailing them. And the more they give in, the child will engage in the same behavior more and more. Parents sometimes are petrified as to what to do, if the child puts the threats into action.
5. Giving into unreasonable demands
It is important to distinguish if what child is asking for is reasonable or unreasonable. And if unreasonable, it is important that all parental figures stay consistent and not giving into these demands. Yes, your child/children are the apple of your eye. But these can lead your child to grow with a sense of entitlement.
What can you do improve the situation?
Do have an open conversation with your partner or other parental figures in your family and share the responsibilities of parenting appropriately.
It is important to be on the same page with respect to what is acceptable and what is not and to be consistent with the child.
Remember that is no perfect parent or perfect parenting ever. As parents you do the best that you can with the best intentions for your children.
Talk to your child. Talk patiently and respectfully. If they are not in a place to listen, take a time out. Talk in another time when they are more receptive.
Listen to your child. You need to learn to reason and negotiate with your child.
There might be times in which inadvertently you might have said or done something that might have affected your child. Rather than stay with the guilt and indirectly engage in behaviors like these, it’s a better approach to take responsibility and to make amends directly with your child.