8 reasons why Sorry seems to be the hardest word
Conflicts are a normal part of any relationship. Especially among partners conflicts could be dealt with in a healthy manner with the intent of resolving the underlying issue. And when conflicts are resolved both with respect to the issue at hand and the emotions involved the partners can feel more closer to each other, more secure in the relationship and more connected with each other.
An apology is important, when one partner says/does something or does not say/do something which hurts the other partner. There could be many reasons why the other partner is hurt – harsh language, disrespect, sarcasm, and so on. It is important to remediate the damage caused by these behaviours on the other partner and the relationship. Taking responsibility for one’s own actions or in actions also would include owning and making up for the damage caused and not repeating it again and again.
When sorry seems to be the hardest word between partners, the hurt, pain, anger builds up into resentment in the long run.
There could be many reasons why one partner may not apologize or may not be willing to address the hurt caused in the other partner. Let us try to explore some of the reasons in this article.
1. If I apologize I lose power/face in the relationship
When the couple is engaged in a power struggle, every interaction is aligned or directed towards gaining or losing power. The person might feel that if they take ownership of their behaviour and apologize they may end up losing power in the context of the relationship. They might also feel that their partner may bring it up again and again to use it against them.
The problem in this approach is that the power struggle is perpetuated among the partners and every interaction becomes an instance of this power struggle.
2. I can get away with it
When there is already a power imbalance among the partners it is possible that the more powerful partner might believe that they can get away with whatever they did or didn’t do without having to take responsibility or apologize for the same. They might believe that it after sometime it will be forgotten and things will come back to normalcy.
The problem here is that issues remain unresolved and so do the negative emotions in the relationship, which over a period of time becomes resentment and perhaps even further along become hopelessness and contempt.
3. I will not acknowledge or minimize the impact of it
The offending partner might perceive the impact of the issue as minimal on the other partner, and thereby reduce their own responsibility in the problem at hand. By this the issue is trivialized, and the other partner’s feelings invalidated.
When this happens over a period of time, the other partner feels disrespected, invalidated can impact their self esteem negatively.
For example, “It is such a small issue, why do you have to make a big deal out of it? Why do you have to take it so seriously? You don’t have to get so upset about it”.
4. I will justify, because I didn’t intend to
The offending partner believes that there is an underlying reason for their own behaviour which justifies the mistake. Or they may justify that they didn’t intend to hurt their partner. They do not take into consideration the other partner’s feelings.
Whether one intends to or not when an action or inaction has hurt the other person, the damage caused to the relationship is real. The justification will not take away the hurt caused.
5. It is shameful to admit a mistake
The offending partner might know that what they did was a mistake, but they believe that admitting the mistake is shameful or that they are admitting their weakness. The person might gloss over their mistake or minimise the impact on the other person so that they don’t have to admit to the mistake. When there is no real acknowledgement, the effort to remediate also is minimal or non-existent.
6. Blaming is easier
Blaming can happen in two ways. One is to blame the other and the other is to blame self. In blaming the other there is definitely no scope for taking responsibility. For example, “You were not answering my questions, you made me angry and that’s why I broke the mobile”
On the other hand blaming self is also not taking responsibility. For example, “What can I do, I am a bad person what else can be expected from me”? In both scenarios responsibility is avoided and there is no real possibility for a remedial action.
7. It doesn’t bother me
In this case whether the other partner is hurt or not doesn’t bother the offending partner. They might not care about the impact of their actions are in actions on their partner.
In this situation the offending partner may not be able to empathize with the hurt partner. It is also possible that they are not able to understand the impact or the extent of impact on the other.
8. Saying sorry but not meaning it.
They might say the word sorry but don’t mean it. They don’t intend to change the way they do things. Saying sorry but not taking responsibility doesn’t mean anything. Saying sorry but repeating the same behavior again and again could also indicate disrespect and disregard for the other person.
Read more about how to apologize genuinely to redress the hurt caused in the other person?
www.innerdawn.in/2020/02/04/is-your-apology-strong-enough/
Couple therapy / relationship counselling is one of the avenues for the couple to explore the challenges that they are facing, gain new perspectives and understanding of each other and learn to address the relationship needs among the partners. They are enabled to explore their relationship dynamics in a warm, confidential and neutral space to find new and healthier ways of relating.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.
Reach us at +91 9632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.