What spells doom for a relationship – Gottman’s four horsemen – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
Dr John Gottman has done extensive research for over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability. He identifies four specific ways of interactions between couples, basically unhealthy communication styles, unless checked, can directly influence the level of marital discord, possibility of divorce or end of the relationship.
It could be a good idea to look at your own relationships and see if there are these behaviors/communication styles and if yes, think about ways of addressing them at the earliest.
Criticism:
When two people come into a relationship, it is normal to rub each other on the wrong side, minor / major irritants coming up. It is healthy to give feed back or complain to the other person. Having said that, when one partner finds fault with the other partner’s actions/inaction more frequently, it becomes criticism of the person rather than their behavior. It becomes an attack on the person’s being, their character or their personality.
“Hadn’t you had agreed that you would inform your parents about this and explain our situation to them clearly? And you have not done it till now. You never take responsibility for anything”.
What to watch out for –
- Are you critical about the specific issue or the person?
- Are you using generalizing words like – always, never, have you ever, every time, when you are talking to your partner?
It would make the other person feel attacked, impact their self esteem and cause hurt. And the other person also might criticize back at some point in time, and this can become an escalating cycle of conflict.
Contempt:
Definition of contempt from Oxford dictionary – the feeling that a person is worthless or beneath consideration. Contempt in a relationship can show up as disrespectful communication in words, voice and in body language. Eg. Put downs, insults, shaming, calling names, hurtful language, belittling, rude tone, sarcasm etc, towards the partner or their family etc.
“I had asked you to do one thing. And you had to mess it up. How more stupid can you be? You are useless”.
What to watch out for –
- Are you conveying disrespect to the other person in your words/tone/body language?
- Are you assuming/believing a position of superiority in the relationship?
- Do you put down your partner – in private or in public? Does it make you feel powerful?
- Do you discount your partners feelings, opinions, preferences?
Contempt attacks the core of the other person, from an assumed position of superiority. It makes the other person feel worthless and decimates their sense of self worth, that they are not worthy of importance and respect.
Defensiveness:
This might be the response of the other partner to the criticism that we discussed earlier. The criticized partner may deny, defend or justify their action or stance. The criticized partner also could launch a counter-attack/ counter-criticism. Defensiveness does not enable taking responsibility or problem solving.
“You missed the parent teachers meeting today. All that you are concerned is only about your work. What kind of parent are you?”
“I was busy at work. I had a sudden client escalation that had to be handled. We live a comfortable life because I put in so much of effort at my work. You just sit at home and keep finding faults with me. You are so ungrateful for what I provide.”
What to watch out for –
- Are you avoiding taking responsibility and owning up your contribution to the issue?
- When you feel criticized are you trying to put the blame back on your partner?
- Is the problem and both of your emotions spiralling out of control?
The conflict escalates and both partners are engaged in a spiral of criticism -deny/defend/justify/counter-attack (criticize back). With each iteration of the spiralling conflict, the emotional intensity increases and new or old unresolved issues might get thrown in to hurt the other. Both partners may get hurt in the process, damaging the relationship.
Stonewalling:
This might be the response of the other partner to the contempt that we discussed earlier. They may walk away, refuse to engage, ignore, shut down to the partner. They may distract themselves by getting busy into some activity. When the person feels overwhelmed with the conflict and contempt, they may psychologically withdraw from both the situation and their partner.
“I have been shouting at you since last hour and you are immersed in your phone. Are you deaf or simply stupid?”
Silence. Engaged with the phone. Ignoring what is being said.
What to watch out for –
- Do you disengage completely from your partner in difficult situations or conflict among you?
- Do you shut down from your partner and keep an emotional distance to keep yourself safe?
Stonewalling takes away the opportunity of resolving a problem. It leads to more and more emotional distancing and strips away the essence of the relationship, as the other three behaviors mentioned above.
If you think you and your partner are engaging in these behaviors of Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling, you can and will need to remediate the situation, if you want to save your relationship and make it a healthy one.
Seeking Couple therapy or marital therapy is an option to understand the roots of these behaviors, look for remedial options, to learn and adopt healthy ways of relating.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She takes an eclectic approach with different therapeutic modalities like CBT, Gestalt, TA in her work. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential Counselling and Therapy, including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.