How to help a friend at risk of Self harm or Suicide

The news of suicide of actor Sushant Singh Rajput in June 2020 has been a shocking one.   Its not just the celebrities, but suicide statistics worldwide is going only in an upward trend. 

The current situation,  with the fears and anxieties of COVID-19, the major changes to our life and life styles, work from home, home schooling, balancing relationships, handling children and elders, over all has even reduced the connections that we could experience on a day to day basis.  The uncertainty and loss of our familiar life, it all can be major causes of stress.  

How we perceive ourselves and our world, is our reality. Life might be difficult, but our perception about the same could be distorted and it may seem unmanageable.  When we are not able to cope with the challenges in life, the problems may seem insurmountable and it might lead to feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness.

Now these feelings are even more accentuated with the lack of support systems and the person feels even more lonely. The problem with loneliness is that it could be a real loneliness or perceived loneliness which stops a person from actively seeking help.  At the same time it has also been observed that people who have suicidal ideation, plans or even made attempts, do reach out in some way or the other for help. Many a times this might go unnoticed and even if we get to know we don’t know how to help the person.

If you think that a friend or relative or a loved one is in emotional distress and if you think that they are contemplating self-harm in some way or the other, or contemplating suicide – do not ignore it or be silent. If you think the threat is real you can and need to do something about it.

• How will you get to know? What to watch out for:

They might talk about no point in living on, talk about ending everything, might say that it would be better if there were not around or alive, how everything is hopeless and nothing would change etc.  They might work on and close long pending activities, give away things that are precious to them, might seek closure etc.

If you doubt that they might harm themselves, It is actually ok to ask them if they are contemplating any self harm.  No, you are not putting the idea into them.  It might give them the outlet to talk about their thoughts, emotions and situations with you.

• Being there for them:

Being there for them doesn’t mean you have to stick around them 24*7. It means that, you show them that you are available for them, you show care and concern for them, you check in on them regularly and when they are trying to reach out to you, be available to listen to them. Rope in other trusted people who can provide support in this regard.  This could be their family or friends, whom they trust.  It is important for them to feel wanted and that there are people around them who care for them.

• Learn and Know what not to say:

In such circumstances, it is possible that you may not know what to say, and end up giving placating words, try to assuage their fears or sometimes say things that end up making them feel guilty.  For example, if your friend or a loved one has suicidal ideation, you may end up telling them that it is wrong to have these self harming thoughts, which will hurt their loved ones, parents, children, spouse etc.

Though this is a logical argument, remember that logical arguments don’t really work when the person is in significant emotional distress. Inadvertently, exacerbating their guilt and shame will not help.

• Engage them in activities:

You can encourage them to join you for a walk out in the nature, or take them out for a cup of coffee, do other activities that they are interested in – find ways to distract them if needed.  Ensure that these activities don’t involve substances like alcohol or any other drugs, which might affect them negatively even more.

• Allow them, encourage them talk and listen to them:

You may find it difficult and uncomfortable listening to the painful things that the person might want to talk about.  So you may end up talking more –  giving advice, giving suggestions,  telling them it’ll all be alright.  What you really need to do, is to listen to what they have to say.  It might be unpleasant, it might evoke a lot of emotions in you as well.  But try to listen to them and be empathetic towards them and their emotional distress. And the pressure that they have, might find a vent when they are able to talk to you openly, when you’re able to give them genuine empathetic listening.

• Take a non-judgemental stance when listening to them:

The reasons that are troubling them may not seem as big to you.  Or they may seem even more difficult to you.  The thoughts of self harm or suicidal ideations may feel wrong to you.  Do not judge them for what they share with you.  It will make them shut down and not open up any further.

• Validate their emotions and their pain. That doesn’t mean self harm is an option:

You might feel that their circumstances aren’t that bad for them to contemplate harming themselves. Do not tell them that their problems are not that bad and they shouldn’t react this way, they are overreacting etc.  This might make them feel even more weak and even more helpless in that situation and feel ashamed about it. At the same time do not say things that would exaggerate their emotions either.

Understand that it is not that people want to die but it is that people do not wish to live anymore in their current circumstances.

• Get them to talk to a Psychologist/Counsellor/Psychiatrist for support:

Get them professional help. Get them to meet with a Psychologist or a Psychotherapist.  If the risk of suicide is really high, they would need to be taken to a hospital, where the potential risk of Suicide and any other underlying medical conditions can be adequately evaluated and treated accordingly.

• In case there is no one to talk to, provide them Helpline details:

There are helplines available which you can share with them, and encourage them to call, in an emergency.  These helplines are manned by people who are trained in suicide prevention. The following are few of the Suicide Prevention helpline numbers.

ASRA:  91-9820466726        24 hours, 7 days a week
SNEHA : 91-44-24640050 
Sahai : +91 080 25497777, 988644407511
One Life: +91 78930 78930
Maithri:  0484-2540530
Roshni : 040-66202000
Lifeline: +91 033 24637401, +91 033 24637432

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples in different life situations, facilitate them to explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.