Is Quarantine making your relationship worse

Currently, in the COVD-19 related quarantine times we are talking about a new normal, which per-se is stressful for everybody. Everyone is attempting to cope with the new modified situations and challenges that come along with it. Given that change itself is stressful, under this stress, pre-existing issues become more visible and highly intense leading to more conflicts spiralling out of control and lowered relationship satisfaction, above and beyond the new problems that have cropped up, with the quarantine.

Managing children at home with online classes, children unable to move out, everyone cooped at home, no external help available for domestic chores, anxiety around the disease, precautions, taking care of the elderly and family members who are at risk etc are the new challenges with quarantine.  Uncertainty regarding, what will happen and how will things be etc is the current reality.

Do you find yourself and your partner experiencing frayed nerves, being irritable, frustrated, snapping at each other, getting annoyed and angry, about each other and the situation?  Well, you are not alone.  That doesn’t make it any easy to navigate the situation any better.

8 ways to navigate your relationship issues in quarantine times.

1. Acknowledge that this is the new normal.

It is important that the both of you need to understand, acknowledge and accept that this is a new normal for now.  That it is stressful to the both of you and to your family. You need to find new and better ways of working together and living together.   Your usual activities of going to office, going out partying, spending time with friends, playing badminton or favourite sport, gym workouts, going to a movie, shopping in a mall, travel/trips etc have all been put on an indefinite pause. It is the current reality and you both need to acknowledge it.

2. Negotiate new rules / work arounds.

One of the major causes of frustration and annoyance is a realization of the stark contrast of the sharing of household domestic responsibilities. When one partner is going all around the house engaged in cleaning / cooking / other activities and the other partner is plonked in front of the TV or on the mobile or laptop all the time without a thought of helping, it’s a sign of brewing troubles to come. If this is the case in your family in the current situation this can lead to the risk of major discontent and burnout of one partner. Both of you can together renegotiate the sharing of household responsibilities and to have a fairly equitable share.

3. Be more sensitive to each other’s needs.

Being sensitive to each other needs will go a long way in creating that supportive bond in your relationship. If you have a child to take care of, offer to take care of the child when your partner is on important meeting or call. If there are elderly members in the family who do not agree your new sharing of responsibilities, it is important that the both of you sit with them and explain the need to do things in a better manner that works for everybody involved. Try not to take out your frustration or anger on each other. Remember – you are not each other’s punching bags. This is the time to be more sensitive and supportive of each other.  Agree on specific time lines and log out from work at that time.  If there is a need to extend work time, talk about it and inform your partner.

4. Delay major decisions.

It is possible that when some of these conflicts escalate you may feel compelled towards taking some drastic decisions. Any major decision is always better taken when you are in a calm state of mind, when your cognitive abilities as well as decision making capabilities are intact and effective. Major decisions need to be taken taking into account all the possible consequences and how prepared you are to deal/cope with them. It is preferable to postpone major decisions in the current situation, so that you don’t regret them later.

5. Take Timeouts.

When emotions are overflowing and you are not in a balanced frame of mind you may end up saying or doing things, which may be hurtful to each other. It is not practically possible to have a reasonable or rational conversation or to listen when you are agitated and your emotions are running pretty high. It is a good strategy to take a timeout to calm yourself down. You might choose to go to different room, have a glass of water, meditate, listen to music etc whatever works for you till the time you calm down. A timeout also has an indicated time after which you come back and resume the conversation in a calm manner. When one partner asks for a timeout the other partner needs to allow it and not go on and on with the conflict. Resuming the conversation, would ensure that the conflict doesn’t just get swept under the carpet.

6. Be connected but also give space.

This is especially a difficult time for everybody including you and your partner. It is a very important time for you both to be supportive of each other and stay connected with each other. At the same time it is important to realise that you are spending time in the same confines of your home 24/7 which can also be difficult.  Both of you will need your own space and time as well.  Agree and arrange for both of your needs to have some space for each of you. Talk about sex with each other and understand each other’s needs.  Lack of privacy and being at home all the time might increase or decrease your sexual desire.  Being open and talking about it with your partner, will make it easier to manage the difference if any in your needs and manage hurdles like privacy etc.

7. Old relationship issues re-surfacing.

Any pre-existing issues in your relationship could get aggravated in the current quarantine situation. These issues could be related to communication, responsibilities, parenting, finances, extended family – in laws, sharing house hold chores, other friendships and so on and can escalate as well. If these issues were not resolved till now, it is very unlikely that you can resolve this effectively now in the stressful environment. It would be good for the both of you to have a conversation that this is an existing problem and if it can be kept aside for now and look at possible alternatives temporarily that can work as of now.  You can also seek professional help with a relationship counselor or therapist to work with you.

8. Have other healthy coping strategies.

It is important for the both of you to identify other healthy coping strategies for yourself individually or together to deal with the stressful situation.  You may think of some new hobbies or revive some old hobbies that are feasible in the current situation.  Or take up some online courses in meditation or yoga to help yourself relax and also build your resilience. Eat healthy food and have adequate sleep to keep your immunity in a good place, apart from the recommended health and safety related practices.

If things become difficult, unmanageable or go out of hand, you can seek professional help, get counselling / therapy online over video calls either individually or as a couple. Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in.  We provide online counselling over video calls for individuals and couples

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She takes an eclectic approach with different therapeutic modalities like CBT, Gestalt, TA in her work. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential Counselling and Therapy, including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling.