Teach your children – SAFETY, RESPECT, CONSENT
Why is this very important at this point of time in our society?
We can’t deny that a climate of violence and sexual abuse has become more and more evident and pronounced around us in our society. It is true that there is no single effective cure for this. The laws and the law enforcers can only do what they can in their capacities to provide redressal to the survivor and punishment to the perpetrator, provided they perform in an effective manner. But we need to realize that the most effective laws, police force and courts can only address the issue remedially, that means they can only address the crime once it has occurred.
What is that we can do to prevent this from happening or improve the safety for our children, make the future better? Today there is a fair amount of awareness among parents, about the risks that lurk around. Also more people are willing to come forward and report such crimes of sexual abuse of children, molestation, assault and rape.
One of the major beliefs that encourage complacency in parents is that it won’t happen to my child, or in my society or in my social or economic circles. It is a sad reality that abuse happens in every walk of life and every social tier of the society.
In my work as a psychotherapist, I do come across so many adult clients, from varied social and economic backgrounds, and among them many with a history of Sexual abuse in their childhood. And most of them either have never had a chance to tell their parents about it or were ignored or silenced when they had the courage to tell them.
Though many of the cases highlighted in the media are about alleged perpetrators being random strangers, it is also true that a lot of sexual abuse happens within the family, with known people, people who have the opportunity to interact with the child more, often to groom the child for abuse.
Do you want to keep your children safe? Do you want to keep other children safe? Do you want to create a safe future for all?
The best thing you can do is to teach your children safety, respect, consent and to take responsibility. Also encourage and motivate all parents, every single parent that you have access to and you are in touch with, to do the same.
Today ubiquitous access to internet, on multiple devices, ease of technology access – makes sexual messages, sexually explicit material etc, accessible to children at very young age itself, giving a much skewed perspective to the young viewer. It is practically difficult for the parents to stay aware of everything that their children are looking at on the internet, neither is it practical to keep them away from the digital world. The only way to keep our children safe is to be open, talk to them and listen to them. And these are applicable for every child irrespective of their gender.
Let me focus on what we can do as responsible adults and parents in today’s society, to build an environment that is safe for children of today and tomorrow.
1. Teaching about GOOD Touch and BAD Touch is good but not enough.
Teach your children the correct name for specific genital body parts. Spelling it out clearly to them also gives them permission to spell it out themselves and not feel any shame about it. Teach them who can touch them in the specific body parts, in what circumstances and who cannot. Teach them to say no and to report the incident to a trusted elder at the earliest possible, and keep telling till it stops.
For example, the mother or father may touch the child’s genitalia when bathing or cleaning the child. No other adult is supposed to touch the child, in those specific body parts, except maybe for a doctor but only in the presence of mother or father.
2. Teach and practice RESPECT
Teach your child to respect everybody including peers and others who are different than them. Teaching respect to your child also ensures that they take into account other people and their needs as well. It also enables them to accept and respect others too who may be different from them.
Teach them to respect themselves and not to accept disrespect from others towards them.
When you teach your children to respect elders, ensure that they also understand that it doesn’t apply universally in all circumstances. Respecting elders could be a good value that you want to teach your children. But that shouldn’t stop them from reporting any incidents that makes them uncomfortable with another elder.
3. Teach and practice CONSENT
Talk to your child regarding the concept of consent. It is extremely powerful for them to understand when and how they provide consent and also to check and confirm if the other person is consenting. Teach your child to say “NO”. And when your child says “NO” respect it.
Practice consent with your child – ask for the child’s permission to hug, to kiss or to show physical affection. When your child says “NO”, as parents you need to respect it and ask about any other alternate form through which you can express your affection. Explain this to the other elders in the family, other family members or friends etc.
Do not force your child to hug, kiss, etc someone else when your child does not want to.
Teach your child to ask for consent when they want to touch or hug or kiss someone else. Even if it is another child of their own age, to ask whether that child would like a hug or a kiss and to proceed only if the other child clearly says “YES”. Consent is not just applicable to physical touch. Child needs to learn to take permission before using someone else’s belongings etc.
4. Teach them CONSENT- age appropriately
As your child grows into an adolescent and early adult, teach them the other aspects of consent.
– A “No” is a “No”.
– Not hearing a “No” does not mean a “Yes”.
– Consent needs to be explicit. The person needs to be in a position to provide consent – not when incapacitated by alcohol or other substances.
– The age of consent. When the person is below the age, even when they explicitly provide consent, it is not considered consent.
– Both people’s consent is equally important.
At each stage of development, these limits would vary and change and hence all these conversations need to happen not just once but on a periodic basis.
5. LISTEN to your children
When your child tells you something, listen to them carefully. Do not admonish them when they ask you questions which make you feel awkward. Educate yourselves if needed. Questions regarding sexuality, safety are better answered by parents rather than by the internet and unreliable sources.
And if your child talks about being uncomfortable with somebody or suddenly starts fearing somebody or refusing to be in the presence of somebody, listen more carefully to your child and help them express themselves to you. Trust your child and believe them when they may express in many ways that someone makes them uncomfortable. Remember – Your job is to keep your child safe. Your child need not prove to you that something had happened. Your child should not fear expressing themselves to you no matter how difficult the circumstances are.
6. Teach your child to STAND UP for themselves and others
Teach your child to stand up for themselves and for others in a safe and appropriate manner. Being prepared and knowing what to do in a difficult situation enables them and prepares them for facing challenges in their future.
SAFETY, RESPECT, CONSENT all three go together. When each child in each family, starting with our own, in as many families as possible, understand these and ingrain these qualities in themselves, their future will be considerably safe. One way to go about this is to address these in your family and talk about it in your own extended family and friend circles.
As parents we need to MODEL these behaviors for our children. Children learn more from observing parents and parental figures than being told what to do. If we need to unlearn some things and learn new ways of thinking and behavior, that is the need of the hour.
Let us drop the hesitation, awkwardness and pretense. It’s high time that we – every one of us – do our bit to make the future safer and better for our future generation.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.
Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in. If in Bangalore, you can meet the counselor in person – face to face. If you are in a different location you can ask for online counselling over video calls.