Seven barriers to kindness in relationships today
Kindness – the missing key ingredient in relationships today
When people get married they start with a vow to love and cherish each other. But overtime they start wondering where the love has gone and the cherishing has been replaced by complaints, faults and resentment.
In my work as a couple’s therapist, one of the common reasons for this that one key ingredient in their relationship is missing. And that ingredient is kindness.
Many a times we are so kind, polite and nice to even strangers. We are kind to our colleagues, to our friends, our neighbours. We adjust and strive to stay in the good books of our managers, don’t we?
But very often couples find it difficult to be kind to each other, despite being able to be kind, polite and nice to many others in their life, be it friends colleague, relatives etc. The Question that does arise is, sometimes, why do the partners reserve most of their criticism, harshness, rudeness, even be nastiness to each other? Why can’t they be kind to each other?
Here are seven barriers to kindness in relationships today.
1. I am better than you.
There are times in our lives where a healthy competition can be a positive motivator for us to do better. But when the competitiveness between the couple leads them to often show each other that I am better than you then it damages the relationship. Fierce competitiveness, by its nature doesn’t allow kindness, understanding and empathy in a relationship.
2. I am right you are wrong.
When a couple come for relationship counselling, as a couple therapist I explain to them the concept of neutrality – i.e. I will not take sides between the two of them. I also explain to them that we will not get into to a discussion of who is right and who is wrong.
It comes as such a surprise to so many couples, because in their day-to-day lives, most of their conflicts arise from their thought process that “I am right and you are wrong”. This stance makes them indignant and feel righteous does not allow the partners to show kindness to each other. I usually tell them sometimes it is possible that may be both of you are right in certain ways and maybe both of you are wrong in certain ways.
3. Power struggle.
During the initial courtship period, the partners try to address each other’s needs, cater to each other expectations, agree on most things, even go beyond trying to please each other and impress each other. But this is not sustainable in the long run. There will be differences in each other’s point of view, values, opinion, beliefs etc. When a disagreement arises each one tries to establish their point of view over the other’s perspective. Each one tries to establish their power over the other.
4. Taking each other for granted.
Over a period of time if the couple take each other for granted, they are not motivated to put in the effort to be kind and compassionate to each other. It is a common refrain “Of course I love my partner. Shouldn’t my partner know that by now? Why should I keep showing it again and again?”
Here they expect their partner to mind read and understand their love without expressing it in any manner. Laziness is also another reason why the effort to be kind to each other dwindles overtime.
5. Fear of rejection.
Though one Partner might be inclined to be kind, the fear that their offer of kindness might be rejected by the other partner, might stop one from being kind. A past painful experience of rejection may also stop the partner from expressing kindness.
6. One’s needs are more important than the other’s.
When one partner considers their needs to be more important than the other partner’s needs, there is little or no focus on the other person. A sense of entitlement makes the relationship pretty skewed. The partner feeling entitled is not able to offer kindness to the other, and kindness offered by the other partner is not valued. And over time the other partner also stops being kind.
7. I am hurt and I will hurt you back.
In couple relationships conflicts are given. And when there are conflicts either or both of them might get hurt. When the partners act in a vengeful manner that I am hurt and I will hurt you back, that will be no kindness in these interactions.
Your partner chose you among all the other options and choices that they had. Learning to treasure and cherish your relationship is one of the key steps in having a healthy relationship. A loving and kind relationship is a wonderful safe space for you to be yourself, to grow, to love – be loved, to heal, to go through the ups and downs of life along with your partner.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.
Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in. If in Bangalore, you can meet the counselor in person – face to face. If you are in a different location you can ask for online counselling over video calls.