3 important questions to ask when your relationship is going stale

Maybe you are in a Long term relationship or been married for a long time now.  Though there has not been any earth-shattering problem that has happened yet, you have the strong feeling that your relationship with your partner is not vibrant anymore and you are feeling that it is going stale.

It is possible that in the long run, the couple get used to a routine way of life and feel that their spark has gone missing, emotional connection, closeness and intimacy has diminished, and a sense of boredom might have set in with respect to their partner.

As a couple therapist when a couple come for counselling with such issues, I encourage the couple to ask the following three questions to themselves as part of the process.

1. Have I stopped looking at the positives in my partner and only look at the negative aspects through a magnifying lens?

In the initial time of Romance, all that you see is all the positive qualities of your partner and even the annoying qualities might seem cute at that time. But once you start living with your partner, all the other not so likeable characteristics come to the fore. Soon that is all that you can see, and those seem so annoying and frustrating for you.

I encourage couples to think of the initial times of their relationship and list down the features, characteristics and behaviours of their partner that they really liked. And I ask them to share and talk about these aspects with each other.  Usually this is a significant eye-opener for couples to talk again about those old times and those characteristics which they loved about their partner.  Encourages and motivates the partner to showcase more of the characteristics and do more of those actions that can create a positive feeling within the couple.

I use this to create a positive cushion for couples to go ahead and talk about the negatives about their partner, which is very easy for them to point out and talk about. 

2. Am I taking my partner for granted?

You may have lived for quite a while with each other. You have might have divided your responsibilities between each other and things are at a routine that you have stopped appreciating your partner for being who they are, doing what they do, what their contribution is in many different ways to both the relationship as well as your family. You have stopped being soft and tender to your partner, you have started taking your partner for granted.

You may have to really learn to start appreciating your partner for not just big achievements but also small little things. Usually I ask my couple clients to do an appreciation exercise everyday where they provide at least 3 acknowledgements or appreciations to their partner, which could be about what they do, who they are, what are their characteristic traits, what are their achievements, everyday things they do etc. And I tell them to not repeat the appreciations. This ensures that they put in the effort and rigor to identify three things about a partner which they can appreciate.

And this is an exercise which the couples can continue to do even after the therapy is completed. It would become second nature to them to identify those things in their partner which they can appreciate and this would become a habit. This brings back the sense of being valued and validated in the relationship for both the partners.

3. Am I giving equal and adequate importance to my reasonable needs at the same time address my partner’s reasonable needs as well?

This question usually comes as a surprise to the couple when I discuss this with them.  When one partner addresses the other partners needs but not get one’s own needs met, it would lead to resentment getting piled up overtime. Many a times it also happens that the partner does not communicate clearly what they need or put their needs on very low priority.

When partners actively and openly communicate their needs, keep them at a reasonable level and put adequate effort to cater to each other’s needs, they start seeing improvement in their relationship.

As a couple therapist I would explore with the couple to find out if there any other major underlying issues that have not been addressed. And I facilitate the couple to address these in the therapeutic process based on the goals that the couples set for their process.

To Love someone and committing to them is not just what happens automatically and it doesn’t fizzle out in time.  Love is an intent, an intent to fall in love with the same person again and again.  To choose the same person to love every day of your life. You would need to make that choice consciously every day.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist and Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a trained therapist, she provides professional and confidential – face to face Counselling in Bangalore including Individual counselling and Couples counselling / Marriage counselling in Bangalore and Online Counselling over video calls for others residing outside Bangalore and abroad.

Reach us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in. If in Bangalore, you can meet the counselor in person – face to face. If you are in a different location you can ask for online counselling over video calls.