Mind reading and the damage it causes in your relationships

When you are in a close intimate relationship for a long time it is common to find that you are able to predict other person’s typical responses as well as behaviour to certain circumstances.

Many couples even take pride in the fact that they are able to predict their partner’s responses. And over a period of time one assumes that they know what is going on inside the other persons mind.

There are many ways that this Mind reading habit can manifest that can be damaging.

1. I expect you to read my mind.

Anil and Shilpa (fictional case) have been married for 5 years and before their marriage they had courted each other for about two years. When they came in for counselling, Anil had complaints that Shilpa would keep fighting on everything that he would say or do or not do. Shilpa’s complaint was that Anil doesn’t show affection anymore and he doesn’t care anymore.

Shilpa wanted to go on a vacation on her birthday and she was angry with Anil that he didn’t plan for any trips during that time. He did remember her birthday and give her a flower bouquet as a gift. But she wasn’t happy with it. They had a big fight on her birthday and she accused him of not loving her anymore and not caring for her desires.

She said that she had hinted at a vacation so many times to Anil, and if he loved her he would have understood what she was expecting and taken her out on a vacation during her birthday.

So here she has an expectation that he would read her mind and understand what she was expecting and make it happen in reality.

2. I know what you would say and how you would react.

Rishi and Rupa (fictional case) came into two couple counselling, with the presenting issue of reduced communication and intimacy. They had stopped talking about anything other than the regular day to day required details, like groceries, food, necessities etc.

Rupa said that, though she had things that are important to discuss with Rishi, she chose not to because she knew that he would react to it in a bad way and will start shouting at her. This comes from their past history, where there had been times when he had raised his voice. Now she prefers to avoid talking to him, unless it is a necessity.

Here Rupa believes that she knows how he would react, and what he would say and accordingly stopped talking about important things hoping to avoid conflicts.

3. I know this is what it means.

Over a period of time, Rupa came to a conclusion that Rishi shouts and fights with her – means that he doesn’t love her or respect her anymore.

In Rishi’s family of origin, raising one’s voice to put across your views was considered to be normal. And all his family members, his mother, his father, his siblings, everyone were used to the behaviour, whereas, in Rupa’s family this was not the case.

So even in other times when Rishi tried to be loving towards her, she couldn’t acknowledge them, and communication broke down between them even further.

So how do we address this challenge?

Many Couples come in to therapy after a long time, where they have had multiple conflicts, which remain unresolved and many times a lot of these conflicts would have a certain negative interaction pattern that repeats amongst them.

In therapy we enable the clients to gain insight over these repeated unhelpful patterns in their communication / interactions / conflicts.

1. Let us admit – we are not psychics. Being aware of situation where either or both partners engage in mind reading is the first step.

2. When you are aware that you are trying to read the other person’s mind it is good to spell it out and ask for a clarification appropriately.

3. It is good to use “I feel” statements, to state how you felt to your partner, explain what meaning you derived from it and get a feedback/ clarity on the same.

4. When you are predicting the other person’s behaviour in a certain manner, or if you are afraid of a certain reaction, speak out your fears and ask for a better response from your partner.

5. Ask questions. Ask for specifics. Ask for feedback. Avoid assumptions. Clarify their message, clarify your understanding.

It is important that both partners are willing to and interested in making their communication more effective help address the conflicts also in a better manner. But yes one can make a beginning.

Getting out of the Mind reading habit is one of the ways to make your communication more effective, towards a more healthy relationship.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better