What is Emotional Blackmail and how do we deal with it?
When one person tries to control or manipulate or gain power over the other person to make them do something or give something by issuing some kind of threat, it’s called Blackmail.
When this occurs by making the other person experience Fear, Obligation, Guilt then it is called emotional blackmail.
Let us look at some instances of these.
- Emotional blackmail by invoking Fear
Akshay and Sindhu (Fictional case) have been married for 5 years. They have 2 children. He works in a corporate organization and she is a home maker. They have been having conflicts between them since last 2 years, since she started suspecting him of having an affair and also found evidence regarding the same. When she confronted him, he outright denied the affair and started accusing her of being paranoid and suspicious. Whenever they have any conflict, to make her back off or keep quiet, he threatens to leave her, divorce her and challenges her to see if she can take care of the children by herself. And usually she backs off at that point.
He manipulates her to back off, leveraging her fear and insecurity regarding a possible divorce that he threatens her with. He has learnt that by triggering her fears and insecurities he can get away with things and gain an upper hand in conflicts.
- Emotional blackmail by invoking Guilt
Ramya’s parents (Fictional case) want her to get married at the earliest. They have been looking for alliances for first and last 8 months now. Somehow she has not been able to accept any of those proposals yet. Parents were becoming restless and started pressurizing her to say yes to the last Alliance which came where the guy has agreed for the alliance. When she said she was not convinced about this match, repair and started threatening that if she doesn’t agree to this particular guy, whom they really like, they will commit suicide. And that she will be responsible for their death.
Here Ramya’s parents are trying to evoke fear as well as guilt in her to get her to agree to their demands even if she is not in agreement.
- Emotional blackmail by invoking Obligation
Riya (Fictional case) had been facing certain problems at work with her manager. She would talk to one of her colleague regarding the same. Her colleague would listen to her and give her some appropriate suggestions. Subsequently when Riya’s mother was hospitalized, the same colleague also helped her in certain aspects at work.
A month later this colleague asked Riya for a substantial sum of money as a loan. When Riya hesitated, her colleague highlighted the different times in which she had helped Riya and asked if she had forgotten all of them.
Here, she is trying to make Riya feel obligated to give her the financial help, by highlighting all the other times in which she had helped out Riya.
Clearly emotional blackmail is an abusive pattern of behavior. When you give in to blackmail, the person who engages in blackmail learnt that this is one way that they can get what they want and will continue to do the same in the same or different contexts with you.
And when this happens repeatedly, and when the other person get manipulated or is controlled feel powerless in this equation, it can cause significant mental and emotional damage to them. Even if it did not result in physical violence, it does not mean that the damages are any less significant.
Here are five ways to not give in to emotional blackmail.
- Evaluate the situation
It is important to first be aware and evaluate the threat of the negative consequence in terms of seriousness and damage. You need to think whether your are your loved ones personal safety is at risk, and if so steps need to be taken to mitigate that risk by alternative means.
- Do not given to the demand
Giving into the demand reinforces the other person’s belief that by emotional blackmailing you they can get with what they want, or get away with what they did. This will become a vicious cycle, and you will find yourself in the same situation again sometime later.
- Call out the behavior
In close and personal relationships, when there is no safety risk involved or it is low, then you can try to call of the behavior. Ensure that you are not affected by it, the way it was expected.
- Manage your emotions, stay unaffected as much as possible
Do not show that you are significantly affected by emotional blackmail. The more affected you get, its more probable that you will give in to their demands. Staying unaffected or not allowing your emotions to take over, keeps you safe as well as does not give them a satisfaction of affecting you.
- Seek support or help
Take good care of yourself. Talk to somebody whom you trust. If this happens repeatedly for example in a workplace, raise it is as a concern to your HR. If this happens in your family, talk to a friend or any other trusted family member. Take care and support to handle this safely and effectively. If needed you can talk to a therapist and learn healthy coping strategies, as well as ways to deal with the issue. If this is your partner, meet a couple’s counsellor together if possible, and if not possible, by yourself.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is a certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.