Will I lose my individuality and freedom when I get married?
In my professional practice as a counsellor and psychotherapist I meet many young clients who have this question in their mind when they are contemplating marriage. “Will I lose my individuality and freedom once I am married? Will I lose my independence and identity?”
This is a very important factor to have clarity on when someone gets into a long term relationship like a marriage. When two people come together to build a relationship there is going to be a need to make some changes in their life and lifestyle, make some adjustments, sometimes even compromises may be needed etc.
For example Raj and Sita (fictional case) had been married for 3 years now and they live with Raj parents. Sita was working in a corporate organisation prior to marriage but Raj wanted his wife to be a home maker and even though she wanted to continue her career post marriage, she agreed to the alliance because of many other favorable factors. But she continued to resent the fact that she had given up on her career. She was used to wearing Western clothes, jeans t-shirt etc, but her in laws preferred her to wear sarees and salwar kameez. Though she adhered to their dressing preferences, internally she felt that her freedom was being restricted. Those there was a TV in the house it was mostly used by her in laws to watch their preferred programs. Sita was not able to even watch her favorite series etc. She started becoming more and more disenchanted with her marital life and started feeling that she couldn’t recognize myself anymore and started getting depressed as well. She complained in therapy that her husband and in-laws where oppressive towards her and that she felt trapped in this relationship and in this household.
In therapy she realized that, there were many choices that she had but she chose to give up on her preferences and choices. She let others dictate how she needs to dress, act and live. She had a choice to stand up for herself and her choices which could have been understood by her husband as well as her in laws. She stopped asserting herself and tried to do things to please others in the family but ended up resenting the same.
Let us look at another scenario. Yash and Rakhi(fictional case) had a love marriage after almost a year of courtship. When they were dating they would go out almost every other night and almost all weekends. Many a times they would hangout with friends till late. The first 6 months the marriage was wonderful and Rakhi conceived. Their first baby was born one and a half years into their marriage. When Rakhi was busy taking care of the baby, Yash wanted to go out and meet friends and hangout. Gradually he started going out every weekend with friends and sometimes even on weekdays. When Rakhi expressed her displeasure regarding this, Yash felt that his freedom is being impacted and he is not able to live his own life and spend time with his friends. This led to more conflicts between the two of them. Yash felt that his life has turned upside down and he had no freedom or space for himself with his friends.
In therapy both Yash and Rakhi got an understanding of the need to balance their individual preferences and needs with the needs of the partner as well as the family. Rather than taking extreme points of view they learned to negotiate with each other to share the responsibilities regarding the child as well.
It is important to maintain your identity and reasonable level of independence even if you are in a relationship like marriage. You are a couple but you are also individuals with your own personality and identity. Having said that, to a certain extent it is important to have some level of healthy interdependence between the two of you. Without inter-dependency, the bonding, the connection cannot sustain. The key is to balance and share your responsibilities; to balance your personal needs and your partner’s/family needs.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.