How does confirmation bias affect your relationships

Confirmation bias is the tendency to look for; to select information; to interpret information in such a way so that it aligns with or it confirms one’s own preconceived ideas or beliefs.

What it means is that, when we believe something or when we have a strong opinion about something our default tendency is not to go against the belief. Even if there is data or information that is available which is against our belief we tend to not look at such data or information.  Because of our predisposition towards a particular belief or opinion or prejudices we tend not to look for other evidences or to ignore evidences which may direct us in other directions.

Let us see how this can affect relationships – especially couples.

Raj and Roopa (fictional case) have been married for 4 years now. And off late they have been having a lot of conflicts. And whenever they have a conflict it escalates and in the process of the conflict Raj starts listing out all the issues that they have been having all the way from the day of their engagement that made him feel unimportant and disrespected. Roopa tries to highlight other instances where they have had a good time or people have been extra nice to him etc. But Raj continues to accuse Roopa and her family of disrespecting him.

In this example Raj has a preconceived notion that he is being disrespected and not given adequate importance by Roopa and her family. It is possible that there could have been some problems and issues in the past. No matter what Roopa and her family do, to remediate the situation, and give him respect and importance, Raj is unable to see the evidence that go against his belief that he is not given adequate importance and respect by her and her family.  He complains about how miserable he has been in this relationship in the last 4 years and how all that they have done is to argue and fight and be unhappy with each other.  Roopa tries to the list all the happy times that they have spent with each other but he doesn’t even want to listen to it.

This leads to even more frustration on Roopa’s side and she feels helpless. She starts to think that no matter what she does to make him feel important, or no matter how many happy times they have, he is never going to see it and that their relationship is doomed.

The solution to this problem doesn’t lie with the Roopa. No matter how many evidences she can show to Raj to show how she respects him, how much is important he is for her and about the happy moments that they have shared with each other Raj is not be willing to see that. One of the key factors here is his Confirmation Bias.

This can only be addressed when Raj becomes aware of his confirmation bias and see how it really affects his present situation and his relationships. The bias is so strong that even when he sees that his belief is harming their relationship, he is unable to change his assumptions and opinions.

The problem is also that Raj genuinely believes his opinion is true and based on facts and his past experiences.

So how to address your own confirmation bias, if you want to.

1. Recognize that confirmation bias exist and be aware of the same.
2. Have an open mind. Be curious and ask more questions. If there are other perspectives, consider them as well rather than outright rejecting them. If these other perspectives shift your position, be willing to accommodate the shift.   It is easier to handle small shifts to your opinion than a radical change.
3. Consider the alternative point of view. Learn to empathize with the other. Even if you still disagree. Be OK with disagreements. Explore disagreements without judgments. Try to find at least a little bit of truth or validity in the other person’s point of view.
4. Ask for a few neutral opinions.  Check whether those opinions align with yours. Provide adequate conscious consideration for the other opinions that do not align with yours as well.
5. Be kind to yourself if you find that your point of view needs a shift or change.

Remember – If you wear a red goggle, you are going to see all that you see through it with a red tinge.  and if you choose to wear a green goggle , you are going to see all that you see through it with a green tinge.   You do have a choice to wear a colored goggle or a plain glass or be aware of the color of the goggle that you are wearing.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.