Are you saying hurtful things during a conflict to your partner?

Why do we end up saying the harshest of things during a conflict to our partner?

We have all done this at some time or time or the other. In the heat of the moment, during a conflict with your partner you end up saying things which you really do not mean. And later on you would have seen yourself tell your partner, I didn’t mean what I said. And that I really didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t know why I said that. You might be genuinely remorseful about what you said or did but it is also true that your partner got hurt in this transaction.

So why do we say these hurtful mean things to our partners when we don’t really mean it?

Here I am not talking about abusive relationships where the intent is to gain power and control in the relationships through various kinds of abuse.  I am talking about loving relationships where the couple are unable to handle their conflicts without being very hurtful to each other.

1. Your argument goes all over the place:

When you are having a conflict about a particular topic, during the sequence of the argument you end up reacting to what the other person said immediately rather than what you really wanted to talk about. You keep relating to multiple other things which have either happened in the past or is happening in the present which may not be directly related to the topic of the conflict. You bring up specific things that you know will impact your partner to make them take a step back.  And in this interaction the intensity of emotions goes up and spirals out of control.

2. You hurt me and I will hurt you back.

Your partner says something that hurt you. So now you want to say something back to your partner to hurt them back irrespective of whether you really mean it or not. The short term gratification of this for that behavior over shadows the real interest of resolving the conflict.

3. Other person is winning.  Let me distract.

You do not have anything more to say regarding the current issue to bring the argument into your favor or you run the risk of losing the argument. So you end up saying something hurtful to your partner to distract them from the current conflict.

4. Taking your partner for granted

You have taken your partner for granted. You are not able to empathize with the hurt caused to your partner or you assume that they will anyway patch up with you irrespective of what you say or do. This stops you from being mindful and aware of the damage that you are causing to your partner and your relationship.

What matters is the impact of what is being said or done rather than just the intent of it. I usually tell my clients this example – if you are holding a knife and you were not intending to harm anybody else. But the events happened in such a way that another person bumped into you and got hurt with your knife. The fact that you didn’t intend to harm anybody doesn’t take away the hurt and the pain that the other person is undergoing and their wound will need to be treated appropriately.

So is the case when it comes to your harsh, rude or hurtful words and actions that you put across to your partner  and their hurt is real no matter whether you intended to hurt them or not. 

The first step to truly move forward in these situations is to be willing to take responsibility for your own words and actions.

Also read How do you not say hurtful things to your partner in a conflict?

 

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.