Why is Self Compassion important for a happy and fulfilling life

We all strive to succeed and many a times we might fail.  None of us is perfect.  We are all flawed creatures with real or perceived inadequacies.  We all going through difficult times and suffering at many different times in our lives.

How do we feel about our failures, flaws and difficult times?  What do we tell ourselves in such situations?

It is a very common behavior to beat ourselves up, say very harsh things to ourselves (more than what we would possibly tell others), blame ourselves, not forgive ourselves for any mistakes, pity ourselves and so on. This approach makes us feel dis-empowered, makes the situation worse, takes away our energy and the motivations, and denies us a real opportunity to learn and grow as a person or to cope effectively. 

So how can we help ourselves better? Self compassion is one of the important things that we can practice to help ourselves.

First let us understand what the word compassion really means.

Compassion is the ability to provide empathy, kindness and understanding to the other person, when they are in any kind of trouble or suffering.  It is not just understanding the other person’s pain but also having a desire to alleviate it.

When we apply compassion to ourselves, that means we respond with kindness and empathy towards ourselves, especially during difficult times or failure or regarding our own flaws, then that becomes self compassion. And yes, it also brings about a desire and motivation to alleviate our own suffering as well.

Self compassion has three components as per Dr. Kristin Neff.

Self kindness

Self kindness involves accepting and acknowledging that we made a mistake, forgiving oneself for the same.  At the same time learning from that mistake, making up for the consequences and not making the mistake again. This is opposed to self criticism, self blame, judgement and non acceptance.

Common humanity

Common humanity refers to the understanding that we are all human beings and are bound to make mistakes and fail at some point of time or the other.  It is also to acknowledge that none of us are perfect and will have our own flaws or imperfections that may be real or perceived.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t take responsibility for our actions or let ourselves of the hook, or that we keep repeating the same mistakes again and again. We take responsibility for not just our actions and consequences, but also to learn and grow from the same.

Mindfulness

Here mindfulness is a state where we are aware of our own thoughts and feelings, where we neither are judgmental about them, not do we get over involved and over engaged with them. Understanding our thoughts and experiencing our emotions, without exaggerating them, not getting overwhelmed by them and not suppressing them, allows us to understand and process them effectively. When we gain perspective, when we see things through the overall scheme of life and humanity, we can look at our negative thoughts and feelings as well without getting too affected by them.

Self Compassion can help us develop better coping mechanisms, and also lead us towards better ways of dealing with our problems as well.  It can enhance mood, resilience and motivations to learn something and do something about it as appropriate. It can help deal with negative thoughts effectively and thereby making space for positive thoughts and hence improving optimism, enthusiasm, leading to learning and personal growth. Overall moving us towards a more fulfilling and happy life.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.