Validating Emotions : Emotion Regulation Part 4

In the 4th and final part of this series about regulating emotions, I will talk about understanding the multiple layers of emotions that we experience and how to validate these emotions.

Here are the previous three parts of this series.

Knowing your emotions
Understanding the emotional process
Understanding the value of emotions

Many times what we experience is not just a single emotion but a multitude of emotions.  For example when your partner or your boss says something to you in a harsh manner, you might feel angry. But then if you look deeper, you will find other underlying emotions which could be hurt or shame or both.

In this instance, the hurt-shame is the primary emotion, and anger is a secondary emotion.

Primary emotions are the emotions that we first sense or experience regarding the particular event or memory.  These are powerful emotions that are usually deep and hidden underneath the more easily accessible secondary emotions.  Secondary emotions are the emotions that we experience about the primary emotions.

In the example that we spoke about, it would be very apparent that you are angry with your spouse or your boss and you might end up shouting or saying something harsh back. This doesn’t really address the issue at hand.  If you really want to address the issue, where you do not want to be spoken to that way, then you would need to access the underlying primary emotions.

When you keep focusing on the surface level or the secondary emotions, it could aggravate your emotional state as well as your situation. If you really look into yourself and try to be aware of your primary emotions you will be able to find hurt/shame underneath.

Your primary emotions give you an understanding of your situation, energize you and motivate you to appropriately address or learn to cope with the situation.

So what you do once you are aware of your primary emotions?

Accept your emotions without Judgement:

It is important that you do not judge your emotion. Emotions that you experience aren’t good or bad or right/wrong.  When you act based upon your emotions, actions could be appropriate or inappropriate. When you accept your emotions without having to judge them, it enables you to learn from it and take actions appropriately.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions:

Do not run away from your emotions. Sit with your emotions and allow yourself to experience the emotions fully.  Take a deep breath, think about the situation or bring forth the memory and access the emotion, allow yourself to fully experience the emotion. If you are sad, feel sad, cry, write do what you need to feel.  If you are angry, feel the anger, without judging yourself.

Validate your emotions:

Acknowledge to yourself that I am feeling hurt or pain or sad or guilt etc.  You do not have to argue with yourself whether it is right or wrong.  You neither have to engage with the emotion nor have to run away. Be aware that emotions are like waves, and they come and go, that you are not your emotions, and that they are a part of you. This gives you the power to choose how you would want to respond / act in an adaptive manner.

Give yourself some empathy and self love:

Learn to be kind and compassionate towards yourself.   Learn to live in the present.  Many a times your interpretations of the event and emotions may not be about the current event but linked to a series of past incidents as well.  Once you feel the emotions fully, and then give yourself some love and care. Take care of yourself, attend to your needs.

When you feel the emotions fully without any judgement, they begin to reduce in intensity and you gain control on yourself rather than your emotions being in control. You can also learn to let go of any painful past emotions in this manner, either by yourself, talking to a trusted friend or a therapist.

Learning to regulate your emotions, put you back in control, in the driving seat.  It can help you in your personal growth, enhance your quality of inner life, be present, and also improve your interpersonal relations as well.

 

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.