4 things to do when your conversations are going nowhere and getting escalated into conflicts
Does anything that you want to talk about with your partner become a conflict in no time? And does it get escalated quickly before you can even say let’s calm down? You have started feeling that any topic that you bring up would become a sensitive topic and your partner would react to it. You feel that it is preferable to not bring up the topic rather than talk about it and end up in a fight though you know that this is troubling you.
Akshay and Sunita (Fictional example) were having an argument. Earlier that day they had gone out for a dinner along with Sunita’s friends and their partners. During the course of the conversation one of Sunita’s friends made a comment that Akshay did not appreciate. Later that night, he mentioned it to Sunita – “I did not like the tone of the comment as well as what was told either”. And Sunita responded saying that probably her friend did not mean it that way and later try to give reasons why he might have said what he said. Akshay felt that Sunita is defending her friends and further concluded that her friends are more important for her than him. Sunita tried to explain that, that was not the case and when she found Akshay not willing to accept it, she concluded by saying that “OK fine we will not meet my friends anymore and maybe you want me to stop talking to my friends as well”. She also highlighted that Akshay’s friends also would make fun of her and pull her leg when they meet, and why she shouldn’t take offence to that too. They both felt unheard and end of day felt that their partner does not understand them.
If we look at this interaction pattern between Akshay and Sunita in this example you can see that the comment from Akshay about Sunita’s friend came across to her as an accusation. And she responded by first “defending” her friend and later “justifying” their words and giving some reason for the same. When none of them worked she made a “counter attack” on Akshay pointing out that his friends also would make jokes about her. And now it’s time for Akshay to deny defend and justify and the loop goes on.
What can you do to break this loop?
1. Listen to your partner first
Listen to your partner first. Listen to the content of what is being said as well as the emotions which are explicitly or implicitly being expressed. You can try to listen even if you disagree with what is being said by your partner. Request/gently inquire for more information,
2. Acknowledge your partner’s emotions
Acknowledge your partner’s emotions even if you disagree with the content. This acknowledgement needs to be genuine and heartfelt and you can express your disagreement later. Your acknowledgement can possibly bring your partner into listening mode.
3. Validate your partner
Identify something positive that your partner did or said in the interaction. Give a positive validation to your partner. Pick one good thing that they did or said. Highlight it.
4. Be aware of the deny-defend-justify pattern.
Be aware when you get into the denying, defending and justifying mode. Counter attacks definitely do not help. Don’t put yourself down either, that could possibly make your partner feel guilty as well. Try to look for something that your partner says that you agree with. Ask for more information. Look for something to agree on. Even a 5% agreement can also move the both of you forward.
Let’s see how Akshay and Sunita could have handled this conversation in a better manner.
Akshay: I did not like what he said – the tone of the comment as well as what was told either.
Sunita: Hmmm. The comment bothered you. What specifically you didn’t like?
(Gently asking for more information)
Akshay: I thought his comment was belittling me. It was in a bad taste. And his tone was condescending.
Sunita: I guess you felt put down by the comment.
(Validating emotions)
Akshay: (A bit calmer) That too in front of all your friends. I could have said something harsh but I didn’t.
Sunita: You felt belittled. I understand that. But you also showed a lot of maturity in not responding in the same way
(Acknowledging a positive behavior)
Akshay: (Lot more calmer) I am glad that you understood.
Sunita: I do. We have been friends since childhood and he takes a lot more liberty in pulling my leg like this. And today I guess he took liberty with you. I am sure it was not malicious. But I will tell him not to cross the limits going forward.
(Once he is calm, she is able to provide the background for her friend’s behavior, without it becoming a justification)
Akshay: I am glad we were able talk about it and sort it out among us. Let it be. May be I was being over sensitive too.
Sunita: I am glad too that we could openly talk about it.
Though initially he was agitated, once she expressed that she understood how he felt, he calmed down. Later once she validated his mature behavior, he becomes more amenable to listen to what she has to say. Later she gives the probable rationale behind her friend’s behavior. And also acknowledges she would talk to him to not cross the line. Akshay is now able to reflect on himself and admits that probably he was over sensitive too.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. As a professional counsellor she provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.