Are your relationship conflicts escalating-defuse in three steps
Are you having more and more conflicts with your spouse? Are your conflicts escalating, even when you are trying to resolve the same?
Sharad and Sonia started their marriage on a wonderful note. Beautiful wedding, exciting, romantic and interesting places for their honeymoon. They settled down in a beautiful new apartment in the heart of the city. Life seemed wonderful for the both of them.
Within six months into the marriage, small disagreements and conflicts started creeping in. As time went by, even the smallest of the conflicts started getting escalated. Argument would start about something but end at a completely different level fighting about completely different things. And nothing would get resolved between the two of them. They started fearing that any conversation might lead to a conflict and they started communicating less and less with each other, leading to more distancing, reduced intimacy and reduced expression of love and affection.
If you relate to this fictionalized couple, as a relationship therapist, let me tell you, it is possible to diffuse such escalating conflicts in 3 simple steps.
- Manage your emotions
Be aware of your emotions, and manage your emotions. And when your emotions become unmanageable, take a “Time Out” to calm yourself down, and come back to continue the discussion when both of you are in a fairly calm state of mind. It is important to set a time, to resume the discussion, otherwise the issue remains unresolved. When one partner asks for a “Time Out” the other partner should oblige and get them both the time needed to calm down.
- Stick to the current issue at hand
Most of the time issues get escalated because one of you or the both of you would bring in other issues either from the present or from the past to bolster your case or to prove that you are right. Unresolved issues from the past get brought up in the present, to gain an upper hand in the fight. You might also end up bringing in to the argument, issues related to the family and friends of the other.
- Maintain respect
No matter what the topic of the disagreement or conflict is about, make sure whatever you say and however you say, is respectful to your partner. Make sure your voice, your tone, your body language, your gestures and the words that you choose to use remain respectful. If you are emotions are out of control and you are agitated and unable to maintain your composure, go back to step 1 and take a time out.
If you both can follow these three steps, no matter how major a conflict that you have, it will be possible for you de-escalate the same and to address it in a healthy manner with your partner, and possibly bring it to a resolution. And in some cases possibly agree to disagree as well in a healthy manner.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.