Six reasons why people stay in bad, abusive or unfulfilling relationships for a long time
Why do people stay in bad, abusive or unfulfilling relationships for a long time before the break up or move out of the relationship?
Relationships are a mixed bag. That would definitely be some good times and there would definitely be some difficult or unpleasant times as well in the relationship.
A healthy relationship should provide a safe, secure, loving environment for both the partners, to be able to grow as individuals, as well as a couple. When this growth becomes stagnant or stunted, for one or both the partners, then relationship becomes stifling.
If this happens by design, for one partner to gain power and control over the other, through various means, then it becomes abusive in nature.
It is a common refrain for people, who broke out of a bad relationship or an abusive relationship, that they should have come out of it long back.
What are the reasons that make it so difficult for a partner to come out of a bad or abusive or and unfulfilling relationship.
- It is difficult to realize what is happening, when you are very involved in relationship
You might feel the discontent, sadness, dissatisfaction, disrespect etc in the relationship. When you are quite involved in the relationship, it is very difficult to analyse and understand what exactly is happening and why. There could be anger, frustration, disappointment that you might feel, but majorly you are confused as to why this is happening and why it is happening to you? You keep asking yourself the question, what I can do to make it better, though you know that you are already trying your best. It is very difficult to see things that are happening in the relationship objectively when you are so involved in the relationship
- You prefer to cope with the pain caused in the relationship, rather than deal with the pain of breaking up or being alone
You feel that it is easier to ignore or minimise the pain that you face with your partner, than to deal with the pain of breaking up the relationship or moving out, face the pain of being alone. The fear that you might not find anyone else also might keep you there. You might fear the unknown or be uncomfortable with the uncertainty.
- You blame yourself for your partner’s behavior
You might blame yourself or feel guilty about the situation, or your partner’s behavior. This stops you from placing the responsibility on your partner- which they are reluctant to take up – and also not be able to take healthy responsibility for your involvement in the situation.
- You keep hoping against hope for things to get better with time
Though you see unwillingness from your partner to see and recognise your pain and hurt, though you see no signs or efforts from your partner to make changes in their behaviour or the situation, your hope for a positive change keeps you in the relationship. You keep waiting for a miracle to happen that would make your partner realize your worth and make amends.
- You don’t want to admit that your choice or your decision was wrong
Though you know somewhere that your decision was wrong, you don’t want to admit it, and rather continue to stay miserable in the relationship. Admitting that your choice or decision is wrong might hurt your pride and ego.
- Your values and beliefs
Your values and beliefs about relationships would influence you greatly in these circumstances. You might believe that you should make the relationship work no matter what. Or that you should not give up on your commitments – even if the other person clearly doesn’t, even it is damaging you and your loved ones.
I tell my clients, not to judge themselves or their decisions and choices as right or wrong. Every decision will have both positive and negative consequences. The key points to consider –
In total, whether the relationship is helping you or hurting your overall?
Does it allow you to grow or stifle you?
Do you feel free or are you suffocated in the relationship?
Do you feel valued and respected in the relationship?
Does the relationship allow you to speak your mind, express your emotions in a free and healthy manner?
Have you put in your best efforts and is your partner also willing to put in effort to make things better ?
If you feel that you have gone through a bad relationship or a series of relationships that did not end well, its time to take a look at your relationship history with a Relationship counsellor or a marriage therapist. The counselling process could enable you to understand the various factors and your own role in the same to ensure that you learn from the same and not let the same pattern repeat in your future.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.