Can unresolved issues and resentments be addressed in couple therapy?

When a couple come for counselling, they may come with a current crisis to be addressed or they might have many piled up and unresolved issues that have occurred over a period of time throughout their relationship.  Of course you can’t go back in to the past and change what has happened.  So, how to deal with the unresolved issues and emotions from the past?

When a couple enter into therapy, and if their goal is to make the relationship better, they aim to learn new and healthy patterns of thinking and behavior towards each other and the relationship.

When issues from the past remain unresolved and keep coming up for the couple, they are encouraged to discuss their relationship history, the key events, incidences and milestones in their relationship.  The couple get an opportunity to discuss their relationship history in the therapy setting.  There are many reasons why the relationship history is discussed.

1. Remember and review both positive and negative aspects

The couple is encouraged to review both positive as well as negative experiences in their relationship in a safe environment where the therapist facilitates the process and moderates any severe reaction from either of them.   This makes them appreciate the strengths as well in the relationship.

2. Discuss the unresolved issues in a emotionally calm state

They get a chance to discuss the unresolved issues in the relationship in a calm manner, which typically comes up during conflicts, when they are already emotionally agitated.  The therapeutic process helps them to listen to their partner’s version about the unresolved issues, regarding which there could be unresolved emotions pent up in each other.  

3. Chance to acknowledge and learn to empathise

Even if the issue cannot be fixed now because it happened in the past, it gives a chance for the couple to at least acknowledge their partner’s emotions, and empathize with their partner.  When true, genuine acknowledgement and empathy is offered, when there is a true understanding of what their partner underwent in that situation, it becomes possible for the other partner to let go of the hurt or the other negative emotions associated with that event. A true and genuine apology becomes possible, if applicable.

4. Clarify misunderstandings if any

This also gives them a chance to clarify any misunderstandings that might have been long standing between them.  When there are critical misunderstandings they can snowball into a whole set of assumptions, generalizations, predefined conclusions and judgments about each other.

5. Learn from the past

Talking about history also give them a chance to learn from their past behavior or approaches and leads them to learn new ways of behavior and thought process as appropriate.

In therapy, many couples get to find that they are stuck in repetitive negative interaction patterns whenever they have a conflict or a disagreement, which would escalate, creating even more negativity between them. These patterns are identified and the couple can be enabled to break the negative interaction patterns and replace them with more adaptive and positive interactions.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.