Is Anger damaging your relationship?
As a counsellor and a therapist I usually tell my clients that there are no good or bad emotions. All emotions have survival value to us. Every emotion has a meaning, purpose, value and has a significant influence on us as well as our surroundings. Yes, some emotions make us feel good and some might be painful and uncomfortable for sure. This applies to any kind of emotion including happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, shame, jealousy and so on.
Talking about anger specifically, it definitely has significant survival value. Anger could be your primary emotion and it can also be an emotion triggered by other underlying emotions which could be sadness, shame, helplessness and so on depending on the situation.
Typically in any significant conflict/argument with your partner, anger would be a significant component there. When there is excessive anger, and you are in agitated state, it becomes practically not possible to express yourself in effective manner, at the same time you are also unable to listen to what are the person has to say in effective manner. Which means the conflict doesn’t get resolved and can possibly escalate.
Just the way fire in low manageable quantity keeps you warm and cooks your food, and fire when it becomes unmanageable, uncontrollable, could destroy life, and property. And if there is no fire at all, then you are going to feel very cold and have raw food. (in a traditional sense)
How anger gets expressed is also very important from a relationship as well as communication point of view. If anger is used as a mechanism of intimidation, power and control then definitely this is abuse.
Anger when expressed in aggressive way could border on abuse. You might use hurtful and harsh words, make you yell and scream at the other, say nasty things which you might not truly mean. But even if you don’t mean it in a real sense, once expressed, the damage is already done.
Anger can also be expressed in a very passive aggressive manner. You might withdraw and give them a silent treatment, sarcasm, insults, ignoring the problem, denying the problem, withholding of love and affection, becoming indifferent etc. This also can be damaging to your relationship.
How to deal with anger in times of conflicts and difficult conversations? How do we express it in a healthy manner without suppressing it? How to do this, in a way that will add to the relationship rather than take away from it?
- Be aware of your anger
Awareness is the first step of any significant change or shift or transformation that you seek in yourself. Be aware that you are angry about something and be aware of the intensity of the same. Be aware of the underlying emotion which is causing this anger if any. Label the emotion. Just the act of being aware of the emotion, being able to observe yourself experiencing these emotions and labeling the emotions itself can bring down the intensity of the emotions that you are experiencing.
- Take time out to calm yourself down
When you are in this agitated state of mind neither your communication nor your listening is going to be effective. Which means a conflict is not going to be resolved in a healthy manner. So take some time out for yourself and engage in any activity that would enable you to calm yourself down. This could be taking a short walk, having a glass of water, some deep breathing, yoga, meditation, write a journal, talk to someone (a safe, trustworthy, non judging person) whatever works for you.
- Come back to the conversation and continue in a respectful manner
Anger shows up in not just your words, but also your voice, your tone and your body language. Ensure that you are in a state of mind, where even if there is anger, it is at a manageable level where you can continue the conversation in a respectful manner.
- Express your anger in a healthy manner
Yes you are angry about something that happened or something that was said or done or not done and that and needs to be expressed in the adaptive or healthy manner to the other person. You can say that “I am really angry about” – something that you did or didn’t do etc. Try to express the underlying emotion that had brought up this anger to the fore, for eg – “I felt very disappointed, that despite me telling you this multiple times you continue to do the same thing” or “I felt left out and neglected in the party when you didn’t pay attention to me for a significant part of the evening”
- Express yourself without a blaming stance, with care and empathy
You need to learn to ask for what you want, what you need from your partner, assertively without taking a blaming stance. Even when you have been hurt and angry, and your expressing it, it’s important to do that with care and empathy for your partner. Inquire about what was happening to them and why they behaved that way with you. Ensure that, that doesn’t become a justification for the behavior, but that you also get the empathy that you deserve and need to receive from your partner. Remember, you are expressing your feelings and what really caused these feelings in the first place so that you can make your relationship better and not worse by blaming each other.
- Holding on to the residual anger
Even when the issue is reasonably resolved, holding on to the residual anger damages you and your relationship. Despite agreeing to a solution, if you hold on to the resentment and anger – that can be used against your partner in a future conflict, then you are walking down a slippery slope. Talk it out, sort it out, apologize for any hurt caused. Learn from it, let it go.
Emotions are significant indicators as to what is important and what is not so important to us. Emotions have immense value, especially in relationships, in today’s context. It is up to us to learn to regulate and manage our emotions, about expressing ourselves in a healthy and adaptive manner, that it enriches our relationships.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.