Is it a close friendship or emotional affair

I see a lot of couples who come with me with this particular question, where one partner feels that they are having a close friendship with someone else (typically of the other sex) and the other partner feels that it’s an affair. The partner who is in this friendship, feels that there is nothing wrong when the relationship is just a friendship but other partner feels uncomfortable with that.

So the questions that these couples ask would be, are friendships outside marriage important? Are we not supposed to get emotional support from our friends and relatives? What can be shared and what cannot be with them. What if there is no attraction or any sexual undertones? Where do we draw the line?

Rather than getting into the technical definitions of an affair, I will try to dwell on the need for boundaries in a relationship and what kinds of boundary violations can create problems in a couple context.  Boundaries are defined for the couple, by the couple together.  Some might be explicit and some understandings might be implicit.  But both partners need to own these boundaries and that would help maintain the intimacy, trust and sanctity of the couple relationship. Boundaries don’t cage you, but keeps your relationship safe. 

First of all, let me state it upfront – it is important and healthy to have a good support circle for oneself which could be friends, siblings, family, relatives etc.  These connections are necessary for a healthy life – feeling secure, happy and accepted.

Having said that, it is important for both the partners to agree upon, what is acceptable and what is not with respect to the boundaries of the relationship. What is OK and what is NOT OK, depends on the couple and their understanding and agreement. For most couples this is assumed and never discussed openly, creating problems when the assumed boundaries are crossed or violated.

Lets take situation of this (fictional) couple – Raju would be on whatsapp till very late in the night.  One of the people he would chat with was his school mate Nita.  His wife Vinu did not like it, that he was chatting till late in the night. She would get annoyed and would keep asking who he is chatting at that late time in the night, He would say its work related.  Once she had to use his mobile to make a call and she saw his whatsapp chats with Nita.  Though the content was innocuous, the time at which these chats were happening became the issue.  On the other hand some of the chats were in the day time. The number of messages also became an issue.  The lying became an issue.

What kind of damage can hiding things or lying cause in a relationship? Read more here.

The couple needs to be on the same page with respect to – what can be shared and what cannot be shared outside the relationship; what needs to be kept private and what can be shared; to what extent, physical or emotional closeness is acceptable and what is not.

For example you might have conflicts with your spouse, which is common in a long term relationship. But when you share it with your friend (or relative or sibling etc), your friend is also forming a negative opinion about your partner. And your partner might be uncomfortable for you to share this information with your friend.

Anything that you hide fully or partially from your partner becomes the starting point of betraying the trust of your partner. Think for a moment about whatever you are doing ,whether you will be comfortable in completely sharing with your partner, in terms of whom do you meet, what you talk about, how do you feel about the other person etc.

If you have a close friend / close relative and you are able to be transparent about it and if your partner doesn’t have any objection, problem or any discomfort with it, then it is not a problem.

If your partner is uncomfortable with your friendship, level of closeness with the other person, what you share, when you share, how much you chat, how much you meet up, it makes your partner uncomfortable and upset.  To avoid this problem if you start hiding things, it becomes a greater problem.

Here that could mean to your partner that, your friendship with this other person is more important and more interesting for you than keeping the trust with your partner and ensuring that your partner is comfortable.

Some of the scenarios that can create problems in your relationship that you can be conscious of.  Prevention is better than cure.

• This friendship/relationship becomes more important to you than your relationship with your spouse.
• You start finding this relationship more interesting, you prefer to share about your challenges, about your life, with this person more than your partner.
• You look forward to spending more and more time with this person, online, in person, on calls etc.
• You prefer to provide and get emotional support with this with this person more than your spouse.
• You start hiding things from your partner fully or partially or lie to your partner.
• You are becoming physically or emotionally close with this other person, which your partner is not aware of, or not aware of the extent to, or has a discomfort or objection to it.
• If you are becoming the sole emotional support provider to this other person, that your partner is uncomfortable with.
• Your effort, energy and enthusiasm is growing towards this person and it affects your effort, energy and enthusiasm towards your partner.