Avoiding conflicts at any cost? You are damaging your relationship

Conflict – what comes to the mind when we say the word conflict? Stress, tension, disagreement, argument, different points of view, escalation, communication breakdown, crisis and so on.

So isn’t it better for us to avoid conflicts and not have conflicts at all in relationships? Is that not the best scenario? The answer is no, the pattern or trend of avoiding conflicts is not really healthy for a relationship.  And no – when there are two people in a relationship, there are bound to be disagreements and conflicts.

It is also very important to realize and remember that conflict can also be a possibility for growth, better relationships, better understanding etc., provided it is dealt with in an adaptive manner.

Conflicts especially in a relationship if allowed to escalate and not handled appropriately, and remain unresolved, can become tiresome, draining, and can damage the bonding or intimacy in the relationship.

I don’t mean to say that you need to pick up a fight each and every time you have a disagreement in the relationship and have a fight over it. At the same time avoiding any conflict whatsoever is also not healthy for the relationship. It is OK to pick your battles. But it is not OK to avoid the conflict, keep the conflict unresolved and push all the unresolved conflicts under the carpet and pretend that everything is alright.  Sometimes it’s important for the couple to argue and fight and resolve the disagreements between them in a healthy manner.

I usually tell my couple clients, “Conflict occurs in every type of kind of relationship.  It is a given.  It is how you deal with the conflict, that determines, whether it brings you together or tears you apart”

That could be many reasons why people might avoid conflicts.  When people avoid conflicts at all cost, they might be trying to maintain the peace in the relationship, do not want to rock the boat, may be fearful of the possible escalation, be uncomfortable with the discomfort that comes with the conflict, etc.

They might do this by ignoring the problem, avoiding talking about it, walking away or taking an escape route from the situation, distracting or diverting attention from the problem, shouting or shutting down, agreeing to something which they truly disagree upon etc. All of these behaviours would build resentment in the relationship in the long run.

Unresolved conflicts have uncanny nature to come back into future conflicts that come up.  A pile up of unresolved conflict eats into the safe and comfortable space that a relationship would give.  It damages the bond, intimacy of the couple.  The depth of the relationship gets affected, and the couple end up living a superficial relationship. True intimacy is not possible when the couple avoid conflicts at any cost.  You will not be able to be truly yourself in the relationship.

So if you really want a fulfilling and healthy relationship, avoiding conflicts completely will not work.

So how to deal with conflicts in an adaptive and healthy manner? Read more here.

About the Author :

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better