Parents bullied by child – Why and how to handle?
Bullying in childhood can happen at any age and then any environment. It can happen at school, on way to school, in the neighborhood, in the playground, online – on social media, chat applications and so on. Bullying leaves a long term impact on the child’s psyche, perspectives, coping mechanism and even personality.
At the same time children can be bullies too. They can bully other children, bully teachers, and bully their parents too.
Yes, children bullying parents, happens more often than one might recon. This is some thing that leaves the parents feel helpless and frustrated. It can also make them anxious and worried for their ward’s safety and well being.
Bullying in any form needs to be acknowledged, tackled, and addressed at the earliest possible. But especially when it comes to parents being bullied by their child, it presents a whole new set of challenges for the parents. This is applicable to young children to adolescents to young adults.
When it comes to bullying, blackmailing, threatening etc by children we need to be aware of two very distinct scenarios. (Though these terms might seem harsh about the child, parents need to acknowledge that there is a problem first, if they want to address it. Denying it or hiding it or justifying such behavior only aggravates the problem. )
The child’s life or safety is at Risk:
If the child threatens of self harm in any possible way and you as a parent believe that your child might harm themselves, posing a risk to their life or safety or if there is a history of self harm, then it needs to be taken seriously and appropriate action needs to be taken to ensure the child’s safety and not just give in to the demand or threat.
The child’s life or safety is not at Risk:
Rest of this article talks about this scenario.
Children can engage in many different difficult behaviors to get their way with parents. The child could
- Threaten and be manipulative
- Throw temper tantrums by shouting, screaming, throwing things, slamming doors, crying inconsolably, etc.
- Behave in an aggressive, rude and disrespectful manner
- Be difficult, uncontrollable and break rules consistently
- Become verbally abusive, put down or insult parents
- …. and so on
The child knows what buttons to press to get their parents to a point where they give in to the child’s demands.
Each one of these behaviors individually could have other genuine underlying reasons which can be addressed and worked with. But when the child engages in these undesirable behaviors consistently, particularly with a purpose to manipulate the parents to get something that they want, and becomes severe, then that would be bullying and is maladaptive.
This is very different from the child being nice or getting good grades or being compliant to get what they want from parents, which would be an adaptive behavior.
Before we get into why this may happen and what can be done about it, it is important to remember that when a child is born, it has some traits based on the genes. All the other behavior and personality gets shaped through how the child is brought up and what the child experiences in its world, be it home, school and outside. Hence parent’s behavior and parenting approach plays a key part in how the child grows up and the child’s behavior.
Some parenting approaches that actually enable bullying by the child
- Parents giving in to their child’s unreasonable demands to stop these unwanted behaviors, or providing excuses for their child’s misbehavior. When the child wants something and engages in an undesirable behavior, and when the parent gives in, this reinforces the behavior. That is – the child learns that if I behave in this way, I will get what I want.
- When parents operate from a space of guilt. As a parent you are doing the best that you can for your children. No matter what your financial situation is, no matter your career progression, no matter how much time you are able to spend with your children, there is no need for you to look at parenting through the glasses of guilt. This can lead to not setting up clear and strong relevant requisite limits, boundaries, rules for the child, over indulging the child etc.
- Inconsistency of parenting approach between the parents / parents and other parental figures like grandparents etc, make it very difficult to set clearly defined boundaries and limits for the child that is consistent and age appropriate. Children keep testing the limits that the parent sets for them, and gradually keep checking if the parent reacts to the breaching of the limits and if they really have to face the consequences. When the child breaks a rule/limit / boundary and there are no consequences to it, then the child learns that it is OK for them to break those limits and boundaries.
- If there is significant marital conflict or a possibility of a divorce then again the parents might try to overcompensate by not setting or adhering to the boundaries and limits for the child. Or when the child breaks the limits or boundaries the parent doesn’t enforce the consequences.
- Overprotective parents, who do not want that child to face any problems or fail in any manner. Parents get engaged and involved in every other activity or problem that the child faces and try to ensure that it is completed and this results in the child not being able to take responsibility for their own actions and deliverable. But it could make the child feel entitled or make the child lose confidence in themselves, that they cannot do things on their own.
If you realize that your child is bullying you as parents, what can be done?
Stop giving into their unreasonable demands in order to stop the tantrums and undesirable behavior. The child learns that, to get what I want, I can throw a tantrum or be difficult. The more you give in, the more this gets reinforced in the child. Stand your ground, state why the demand will not be met and walk away.
Don’t bully your child back or shout and scream back at them. Then this escalates and becomes a spiral and a negative pattern that your interaction gets set into. Don’t engage with the child when they are engaging in the undesirable behavior. Tell them you are ready to talk, when he/she calms down and is willing to talk reasonably.
Don’t accept or ignore disrespect. Call out the behavior, be it disrespect or shouting or rudeness. Tell firmly that the called out behavior is unacceptable, and has to change else you won’t engage.
Set only consequences that you can follow through with. Don’t set a consequence that you will not be able to execute, if the rules or boundaries are broken. When there is no consequence the child learns that it is OK to break the rules, limits and boundaries.
Model the appropriate behavior for your child. They learn more from observing you and imitating you than from what you tell them to do. If you bully or compare or give in to peer pressure, your child will learn the same.
Last but not the least, remember – you are the parents and adults in this relationship. So take charge and act accordingly. Learn to negotiate with your child on boundaries, rules etc age appropriately and help them take the bottom line of adhering to it, rather than be policed.
And yes of course, you can seek professional help, if you think you need to address some of your parenting challenges and modify your approach adaptively.
Ref:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/are-you-a-bullied-parent/