Single parent challenges and way forward
The number of single parent families in India is growing significantly. This is happening mostly owing to more divorces and by way of one spouse passing away due to accident, health issues, maternal mortality etc. The single parent families face a multitude of challenges including financial, social isolation, health issues and personal problems. Since the legal, social and the governance hasn’t kept pace with the changing needs of the Indian diasporas, some single parents have faced many challenges due to unfavourable conditions which have sprung up hence.
The need of the hour is to understand these challenges, seek and provide a way forward in order to empower these families find their foothold, make progress and actualize their potential.
1. Multi-Tasking: You will find yourself doubling up as a mother, father and sometimes even grandparents, extended family and friends. Housekeeping, professional pursuit and running errands will all fall in your lap. It can leave you feeling exhausted, guilty and irritable all at once. Time becomes a precious commodity and you would wish that GOD gave you 10 hands and 100 hours in a day. It takes a toll on your physical, mental and emotional equilibrium. Children may feel neglected as a full time working parent is unable to babysit after school or address all developmental and emotional needs of their child.
What can be done? Help is available as many a single parent, often swear by the support of their family members, friends and colleagues. Ensure that you have a good rapport with them, and some of them will be willing to extend the help required, from babysitting, getting homework done or running errands. Many single parents find that moving into a housing society, apartment complex provides safety, play hours with peers and some kind neighbors who are generous enough to baby sit your child. Some parents try to live near their workplace to be able to manage both fronts efficiently. The general suggestion is not to feel bad about asking for help. Teaching the child to do their own things and helping around the house with age appropriate tasks is a valuable way to find help. The Dunzo app and similar apps claim to set your time free by running your errands and other banal chores like grocery shopping, plumbing or shoe repair. Of course, some services come at a price.
2. Decreased quality time not only with your child, but your own “me time” seems to dwindle away into nothingness. Due to the paucity of time, you could find lesser time to play with your child, to answer their curious questions or even hold the important talks with them about bullying, safe touch, menstruation, ejaculation etc. Daydreaming, relaxing, watching sports leisurely, going to a pub or the water park could be a far cry from the reality. The stress could leave you feeling tired and in dire need of extra sleep. Often, health suffers as physical fitness, nutritional needs and timely medical interventions – especially for yourself, get less priority.
What can you do? A person, who looks at the bigger picture, is adaptable and goes with the flow, would find it easier to deal with any challenge. These days, many organisations are providing creche and day care facilities for the welfare of their employees. Single parents find such arrangements very beneficial as they save money and precious time in commuting. Creches and play schools could provide you CCTV access to monitor your child, reports about the activities done by the child etc as and when needed, giving you peace of mind. Working from home and freelancing are other work opportunities that single parents welcome. http://sheroes.com is one such platform for women, which offers guidance and opportunities, resources on health, careers and relationships. Pradhan Mantri Kaushal Vikas Yojana trains the Indian youth for various industrial jobs ( www.skilldevelopment.gov.in) With passage of time, some parents find that they are able to indulge in some hobbies and interests.
3. Cash crunch: Single parents, especially mothers find a sudden drop in their lifestyle. Money seems to play hide and seek. Surviving on a single income and bearing all the expenses and saving some for a rainy day will put full stops to most mediocre and bigger expenses and make them seem as extravagant and unnecessary. A decent house and a maid/nanny, field trips, catching a movie with friends, expensive clothes are a thing of the past. Often, you will find yourself counting pennies by the mid -month and some of the jobs still pending. Such families find it challenging to build moveable and immoveable property or save enough for the future. Sometimes, the children find it challenging to cope with sudden lifestyle changes and could resent the parents for it.
What can be done? In India, usually the mother is granted the custodial rights of the young child, the father gets visitation rights and are expected to contribute towards the expenses of the estranged family. This could be worked in the family’s favour if both are smart enough to agree for adequate maintenance and child support. These discussions can be held by lawyers and mediation experts so that all parties have a fair say. If both parents get turn by turn custodial rights, then it can become financially viable for each parent. Many single parents have found family and friends willing to pitch in towards the expenses of the child’s education, clothing etc. The sooner you and your child accept the current reality, the possibility of finding workable solutions becomes higher and you will look for solutions proactively. Sometimes, strangers do offer monetary and other support in running errands etc but there is always a threat of an ulterior motives and the resulting sense of obligation could be deterring enough. If you wish to explore this option, choose it with caution and discretion. Seasoned single parents suggest exercising restraint on expenses till such time you don’t reach a stable income. www.microfinanceinfo.com, have some valuable information regarding loans and credit. Please have all your documents ready and be prepared to do some running around if this is your route.
4. Social Isolation: Owing to multiple reasons like misunderstanding with family, guilt, sense of burden, time constraint, inadequate finances to socialize, social ostracization etc, a single parent family often finds itself cut away from family, friends, colleagues and support systems. Divorced women might be treated as a burden by their families sometimes and often blamed for their predicament. Many divorced women deliberately cut themselves off from all support system but that doesn’t work on the long run. Some men shy away from public appearances as they find themselves targeted for remarriage. Sometimes, children of such families want their single parent to marry again.
A way around: Try not to burn bridges with your family and friends, as they could be your best allies. You might have to tolerate certain things with a smile and assertively say no wherever your boundaries are challenged. Some single parents swear that moving into an apartment complex was the best thing to have happened. Moving to a new city, not disclosing your divorcee status, living in an inclusive society has been a boon for some. Divorcees can find solace in connecting with specific meetups and forums dedicated to them. Being safe, staying connected and asking for help when needed are two sides of the same coin. Exercise caution if you seek friendship on online platforms and apps. And maintain a healthy balance of online and offline support. Don’t let your guilt control your life. You still deserve to get your emotional needs met and be happy. If you wish to date the opposite gender, do it at your own pace and time. Many online matrimony platforms offer a space for divorcees to look for another spouse again. Children can face bullying in schools and other places, which can undermine their self esteem. Talking to teachers, administrators and seeking their support is a way out of this issue. In Bangalore, Mahila Dakshata Samiti and Sumangali Sevashrama offers short stay homes and Skill development opportunities for single mothers. Some counselling organisations offer free and/or chargeable counselling support to such families. The single parent family can learn how to communicate with each-other transparently, be heard and understood, without causing friction and conflict.
5. Other Social Challenges: Some single mothers feel that they were treated as an object of lust at workplace. Many male colleagues see her as a weak person incapable of protecting herself. Getting promoted at work depended on whether she was willing to “adjust” with them or not. Many mothers have tackled this with grit and determination by putting up a “tough and unavailable” demeanor. It can also help to have good platonic friends at work and outside. The single fathers are viewed as incapable of rearing children single-handedly, hence they start receiving unwanted marriage proposals. As a single parent, you will often be doled out unsolicited pity and advice.
What can you do: Be ready to ask for help when needed and learn how to say no when unsolicited attention comes your way. For women, learning how to manage finances, picking up professional skills and qualifications to get work and personal defense classes can help her deal with financial stability and unwanted male attention. Men need to know how to run the house, cook and be emotionally available to their child.
It seems that there are challenges, and then there are some solutions also. However, sometimes, one has to just learn how to cope graciously with something where there’s no way out. The government is waking up to the challenges faced by single parent families. Hence, they have also done away with need to mention fathers name in all legal documents including the passport. The single parent community is growing and if we could enable them to empower themselves, then the stigma around divorce and single parenting would disappear soon enough. We need not wait for a social revolution to bring the change. We can ourselves start in a small way and create a ripple. Single mothers can take up the challenge to prove that they are no less and can earn a decent living. And the single men can prove that they can be responsible parents and breadwinners without the help of a wife.
And yes, if you find the right partner again, ensure that you enter into a new relationship after handing the baggage of your earlier relationship appropriately.
About the Author :
Samiksha Jain is a trained and certified Professional Counsellor. She offers her clients a non-clinical approach to therapeutic counselling in a friendly, warm and confidential environment to talk through their experiences and difficulties. This allows for a trusting relationship to develop and enables the clients to achieve their goals effectively. She has worked with couples to manage relationships with a wide range of challenges like sexual and sexuality issues, stress and anger issues, depression, marital discord, parenting, financial discord, fears and phobias, anxiety, grief etc.