How is talking to a therapist different from talking to a friend?

This is a very common question that comes to people’s mind when they are considering professional counselling or therapy. Counselling is also about talking, and you can do the talking to a friend who can listen to you, right? So what is the difference?

I will try to contrast the two in this article. I might use the word counsellor and therapist interchangeably.

Check out my earlier article to know the difference between counsellor, psychiatrist and a psychotherapist.

When you talk to a close friend, whom you trust, who is sensible, and not judge you in any manner, then this conversation can possibly help you sort out your issues and address your problems perhaps. If you have someone like that, good for you.  Though I am talking about a friend here, it can be anyone that you trust, who is concerned about your well being – your spouse or a family member etc.  It is great if you have people like that in your life. But there are specific challenges that you might face here.

To find a friend like that itself is a challenge. And if you have a friend like that ensuring that you have time with them is the next. You might have a one of conversation with your friend but may not get the continuity. Your friend might have their own problems in their life that they may want to talk to you about. They might share their own experiences and draw parallels to your situation, which you may or may not agree with. They might try to solve your problems in a similar manner as they had done by themselves. They may try to influence you, with genuine concern, and push you towards certain decisions, based on their own set of values, beliefs and experiences.

You may try to apply that solution and if it works for you great. What if it doesn’t work for you, then what do you do? What do you do when you get a different kind of problem in your life but you haven’t learnt the approach towards solving the problems, because somebody gave you ready made solutions? What if you need to unlearn certain things that are not helping you today?

When you talk to a therapist or counsellor the conversation, the talk, the process follows certain rules, guidelines and boundaries.

1. It is a purposeful conversation, focused on you, your life situation and your challenges.
2. The focus never goes on to the counsellor. The counsellor typically would not talk about their own life experiences, or problems (unless specifically and absolutely necessary for the client’s progress).
3. The counsellor doesn’t judge you in any manner whatsoever, based upon whatever you share with the counsellor.
4. This gives you a safe space to discuss whatever you want to discuss without any hesitation or fear.
5. What you disclose to the counsellor, it remains strictly confidential. Confidentiality has limits, when there is risk to someone’s life and safety or exceptional circumstances.
6. The counsellor is genuinely and honestly interested in enabling you to reach your own goals. They try to understand you, understand your situation and emotions in an honest manner without any judgement. This genuine, honest, warm connection between the client and the therapist is called the “therapeutic relationship”. There is mutual respect and trust in the relationship.
7. Once this get established, the client has a platform where they feel fully understood, which itself can enable the client to start making progress towards their goals.
8. They care about you as a client, but do not get involved in your life. They don’t allow their own opinions or biases to influence you or the therapeutic process.
9. The counsellor does not dole out advises, not provide instant solutions to your problems. The counsellor will not ask you to do anything that you don’t want to do or uncomfortable doing.
10. Counsellor believes in your inherent capability to address your problem and enables you to find those resources with in and around you to handle your challenges in a healthy manner.
11. Each talk session will have a time limit. You can’t keep talking on and on.  Boundaries are clearly established.
12. The counsellor may need to bring on to the table, concepts of psychology, human behavior, approaches methodologies and techniques that might help you in this process.
13. The process enables you to learn to manage emotions better, thoughts better and learn new behavior patterns and skills to be able to handle your challenges.
14. The process also might involve unlearning certain unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors.
15. This would enable you to deal with any other future challenges as well, using what you have learnt for all future purposes.
16. Depending upon your goals, the process may enable you to be more self aware, have more belief in yourself, gain more clarity of the situation, take informed decisions, take actions etc.
17. All this can happen only based upon your consent, and your interest and motivation to deal with or to handle your challenges.

The Therapeutic process is a journey that you undertake, where the therapist acts as a facilitator, a signpost, confidant, your mirror, your well-wisher, your co-traveller for some distance. But the journey is yours, the destination is yours, the goals are yours and the effort and motivation are yours alone.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications, specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples, enable them to explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.