I am not happy, but I want to be, how do I?

We human beings are wired to seek happiness and peace. As per Maslow’s hierarchy of needs we start with logical needs of food, water, air etc. Once those are met we look for safety and security. Once you feel safe come on you look for belongingness – that is – relationships, love, friendships etc. The next level of need is about accomplishment and prestige that addresses your esteem needs. Beyond that actualization needs arise, where we look for achieving our full potential.

Net net no matter which stage we are in, end of day, we all are looking for happiness and peace.

Why is it so elusive? Why do we find it so difficult to be happy? Why do we keep seeking happiness but don’t find it?

The problem is we seek happiness outside ourselves. We wait for a time to be happy. We wait for a time for all things to fall in place.

So how do we find happiness and peace amidst all of that which is going on in our lives?

Do not look for happiness in things alone:

It is true, when you buy something new, when you get something new, it might make you feel happy for some time. But if you want that happiness to last for you, then rather than looking for happiness in the thing, tried to focus on the activity or  the process that you are involved in with it.

For example if you are buying a car, the car will not make you happy for long. But experiences and happy memories that you create with the car, like driving with family, with friends or even by yourself etc,  is what would make you really happy and last with you.

Don’t expect others to make you happy:

You keep telling yourself, If that person treats me nicely then I will be happy, if my partner gives me attention then I will be happy.  It is great if the other person makes you happy. But all your happiness need not be dependent on it.   Seek happiness within yourself.  Find other things to be happy with or happy about. When one part of life doesn’t work out, you can definitely try to address it.  But don’t let that spoil the happiness that you can have from the other parts of your life.

Do not postpone your happiness:

You keep waiting for things to happen to be happy. You tell yourself, Once the promotion happens then I will be happy, once I get married, then I will be happy. Yes some major positive event that happens in your life can bring you happiness. But it doesn’t mean that, that event is necessary for you to be happy. You can be happy in the Here and Now. You can be happy with the small little things that happen in your life and around your life.

Slow down to smell the roses:

In your fast paced life, where you are running around all the time, there is no time to notice the beautiful things around you. Slow down, notice the flowers that bloom in your neighborhood, notice the child smiling at you, take time to smile back. Notice the aroma of the bakery that you cross every day. If possible catch a sunset /moon rise. Allow yourself a smile. It is these little things, when we give them attention, can make us happy every day.

Start a gratitude journal:

Writing a gratitude journal is a great way to remind yourself of the good things that are happening in your life. The good things need not be very huge or significant, necessarily. Expressing gratitude also puts your state of mind in a better place and can elevate your mood.

Practice self care:

Caring for yourself overall brings down your stress levels, keeps you balanced and also helps you perform better. It also can improve your resilience, to the other challenges in your life. Self care could be practiced by taking up activities that are of your interest, by exercising / eating well, meditation, mindfulness etc.

Understand the power of now:

Whatever happened in the past, happened, when the past was “now”. Whatever will happen in the future, will happen, when the future is the “now”. So now is the only time that you have, when you can do anything, including being happy. Understanding this means you learn from the past but not keep worrying about it or regretting about it. It means you plan for your future, work towards a future, but that work has to happen in the now. Worrying  or ruminating about the past or the future, robs away your happiness of the now, as well as your energy and focus.

Accept the problems and challenges as part of life:

At any point of time in your life, there will always be something missing, there will always be some challenge or the other. There will be some expectations which are not met, things that will be troubling you. Realize that there will never be a time all problems are sorted. There will be things at the back of your mind about the past or about the future. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy. 

Accept the problems and challenges as part of life.  It enables you to learn, to grow as a person. Life teaches you through challenges.   Accepting doesn’t mean you don’t do anything about it. It means you acknowledge the challenge and you are taking affirmative action.  But in the process you do not get bogged down.

Happiness is a choice:

Happiness is a choice that all of us have.  It is for us to make that choice.  It does not mean you deny or ignore the problems in your life.  It is to have the courage to genuinely smile and find happiness, despite our own challenges, in every possible aspect of our lives, be it big or small.

 

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications, specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples, enable them to explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.