Depression, Anxiety on the rise in newly weds

Marriage is deemed as a very important event in one’s life and it is a significant transition phase in the life of the newly-weds. Recently it has been seen as a trend that the incidence of depression and anxiety seems to be on the rise post marriage in newly weds. Most of the times this may not be severe and clinical in nature, but situational depression. The number of couples considering separation very soon after the marriage within a year or so also seems to be on the rise. What could be the reason for such levels of conflict, dissatisfaction and disillusionment among couples soon after marriage?

Multiple factors are at play, which results in these scenarios. As a couple therapist I see a lot more couples now, who have been married for less than a year sometimes even as less than 1 or 2 months, seeking counselling, expressing a wish to separate, at the point of deciding that it is not possible for them to work out the relationship between themselves. Some of them would have already met with lawyers, might have decided to file for a divorce, and come into to counseling as a last resort, either by themselves or because of family pressure.

Some of the key factors that bring them to this situation could be :

1. Getting married owing to pressure from the family:

I see many couples who come in for counselling, very soon after the marriage, stating that they are not able to get along, complain of not being able to accept each other, escalating conflicts etc. One of the reasons that could be is that one of them or both of them might have felt uncomfortable at some point of time during the process of the marriage proposal, but their voice wasn’t heard in the family and they were under pressure from the family and  given no choice to opt out of the marriage proposal. So they enter into this new relationship with resentment already in their mind. This can create a lot of insecurities, can create a lot of discontent and difficulty in getting adjusted, getting attached to each other, difficulty in accepting each other post marriage. And this can happen equally to both the man and the woman in the marriage. Here the problem is that they don’t own the marriage and the decision of the marriage as their own.

You can read more here on the topic of ownership of the marriage.

2. Significant translation for the women – especially if they have to live in with the in laws:

In traditional households, post marriage the woman moves into her in laws place with her husband and becomes a part of the husband’s family. The attention and affection that she might have received at her parents place may not be provided at the in laws place. She is expected to take lot more responsibilities of the household and also need to earn the approval of her in laws and the people in the household. Many a times they may not be very sensitive to her needs, approve of what she does in the household and if husband is not very supportive of her, she can feel very lonely isolated and depressed, feeling not appreciated, not valued and this can result in her self esteem becoming lowered and she can feel worthless.

On the same scenario, the man also can get caught in between his partner and his parents/relatives and if he is not able to manage it effectively or cope with it, he also gets affected significantly and can end up with low self esteem and anxiety or depression.

3. High expectations, expectation mismatches between the couple:

The couple might enter the marriage with very high expectations on each other in terms of what needs to be fulfilled to make one happy. Today we do live in age of instant gratification and high expectations. Young people today do have a lot of disposable income and are used to the lifestyle of having their way and having their freedom to do what they want to do. After marriage they realize that they also need to take into account their partners preferences in making decisions or doing things or making plans etc. When expectations are not met, they are not able to tolerate the frustration and they end up in conflicts and it can lead to disenchantment in the marriage.

4. Looking for a happily ever after and assuming that your partner will make you happy:

A lot of people get married assuming that once they are married it is their partner’s job to make them happy. What they forget is that, both of them need to keep each other happy as well as keep themselves happy too. If both the partners do not put an effort towards building the relationship, making each other happy, then happiness is not going to come to them automatically. Any relationship including marriage does take a lot of effort and persistence from both partners and also a lot of understanding and support from the people around them, be it family and friends, to build a fulfilling relationship.

I usually talk about the relationship being like a young sapling, which needs nurturing and nourishment to be able to grow and provide the fruit or flower that it is intended to provide. And it’s the responsibility of both the partners to nurture and nourish their relationship.

If you plan to get married
– Be sure that you are really ready for a significant commitment, adjustments and responsibilities that a marriage will demand of you. Yes it can be fun and fulfilling, if both of you are willing to put in the effort.
– Spend enough time with your potential partner to know them, be comfortable with them before deciding on the marriage.
– If something makes you uncomfortable, talk to your parents and stand your ground. No point in blaming your parents if things don’t work out for you later on. You will be impacted primarily.
– Whether it is a love marriage, or arranged marriage Understand each other’s expectations and ensure that they are reasonable and compatible.

If you are already married
– Expect that some of your expectations may not be fulfilled. Ensure your expectations are reasonable and vice versa.
– Some amount of adjustment is essential. But don’t let it go overboard that you don’t know who you are any more.
– Respect and value your partner. Ensure that others around do so as well.
– Let go of the problems and complaints about the wedding ceremony and the rituals etc. Whats important now is building your relationship.
– Remember – there are no perfect marriages, neither is there any perfect partner. All marriages, even the ones which seem a perfect match – will need nurturing and nourishment to sustain, flourish and last.

The Counselling process can help the couple set clear and reasonable expectations, help them communicate better, establish healthy boundaries and improve their relationship over all.  It also can help you be ready and prepared not just for the event but for the long term commitment of marriage.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.