What if you are not the first choice, first priority?

All of us yearn to be special. To be special in someone else’s eyes, is part of our nature to seek validation from others.

But you might have found yourself at some point in time, to not be the first choice. Your friends may share with you and you give attention to them. But when you want to share something from your side, they may seem disinterested or even bored with it.

They would want to hang out with you, if their first choice is not available. Your friends make plans with each other and add you at the last moment, as an add-on.

The person you consider to be your best friend, doesn’t consider you to be their best friend.

You may be someone’s partner or spouse, but what if your partner would (sometimes) give priority to someone else.

Or your best friend is now in a relationship and needs to give priority to their partner and can’t give you the same level of importance and priority or you are not their first choice any more.

You might have seen this major portion of your life or might experience this at some juncture / period of time.

It might hurt to be in such a situation. Your Self esteem and sense of self worth may get impacted negatively. You might start believing that you are not good enough to be some one’s top choice.

The best way to cope with this situation is to understand that, who you are is not defined by the acceptance and validation by others. Your worth is intrinsic and is not defined by whether you are someone’s best friend or how your spouse treats you.

I don’t mean to say that you can’t try to improve these relationships.  It can be done provided the other person is also reasonably interested in improving the same.

It is important to recognize that everyone around, though they may seem pretty sorted, have their own challenges to face and deal with. They may be so involved with their own lives to notice what is happening to the people around them. Every individual is going through their own complex set of circumstances that can’t be comprehended from the outside.

But it is not cause for despair.

Learning to be accepting of yourself, learning to love yourself can play a significant part in coping with these situations.   Do not judge yourself harshly and value yourself based on others opinions of you or how they treat you.

Ask yourself, am I being over available to others? Over helpful to the extent that you are being taken for granted? If that is true, you can change some of your behaviours.

Learning to be alone (even for 5 minutes in a day) without feeling bad or lonely is a good way of getting connected with yourself. You don’t have to think about anything or solve anything in that time. This is a time only for yourself, to be mindful of your own self and your surroundings.

Writing a gratitude journal may allow you to appreciate what you have, what experiences you cherish and the good things that are happening around you.

Yes if you are not able to cope with the situation or you feel that this is a pattern in your life that you want to change and address, you can seek help and talk to a professional counsellor and gain a better understanding and clarity to cope or deal with the situation.

About the Author:

Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/realationship counselling and family counselling.  She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.