What is Co-dependence? How does it happen in relationships?

 

I cant live without him(or her). I cant breathe without him. I live for him. I feel worthy because he loves me and he needs me.  He cant do anything with out me, he needs me in every little thing that he does. I take care of him I protect him, I am every thing to him (or her).

Feels right out of our romantic movies – isn’t it ? Is this really love ? Or is this codependency ?

Do you see yourself worthy – only when the other person needs you and depends on you? Are you both over dependent on each other ?

As a Relationship Therapist / Couple Therapist, I encourage couples to have a healthy level of dependency, which i would call inter-dependency. Where the couple support each other, help enhance each others strengths and resources, where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Both partners are encouraged to have a healthy sense of self and the other, a healthy sense of self. The relationship encourages the growth of the individuals as well as a couple.

On the other hand when one of both partners are dependent on each other excessively and derive their sense of worth only based on their partners acceptance of them, approval of them, a need for them, then it is unhealthy dependency. When one person’s sense of self worth depends on the other’s dependence on them, then it is co-dependency. Here the other person is enabled to continue to be dependent and not learn the requisite skills or deal with the problem behaviors, to grow as a person. The other person could have substance abuse issues, not take responsibilities, problem behaviors like gambling, other addictions etc. The Co-dependent takes the role of the rescuer and derives their sense of self worth from being needed.

Though co-dependence is usually seen in partners, it can occur in other relationships as well, like parent and child, between friends, siblings etc. Earlier the term was used only in the context of Alcohol abuse, currently the term is applicable in many other contexts.

The relationship is dysfunctional, is not balanced and over a period of time it becomes emotionally damaging and not allow either of them to achieve fulfillment or personal growth in the relationship. Though the co-dependent might feel stuck, they feel helpless and unable to break away.

Interestingly co-dependents do not come across as some one with low self esteem. They usually exhibit confident behavior. They are usually seen as problem solvers. Many people would usually approach them with their problems and seek their advice. And they might also go beyond their limits to help out.

The problem is not that they are helpful to others. The problem is that they discount their own issues and problems when it comes to others. Their own pain and hurt will get ignored. Their own values and priorities will get compromised in their need to be needed.

If you think you are co-dependent or your loved one is, it is possible to deal with it.  It is possible to learn new and more adaptive thought process and behaviour patterns.