Taking Relationship for granted: What can you do about it?
Are you taking your relationship for granted or vice versa? This is one of the key causes of relationship deterioration. What can you do?
In the initial phase of your relationship things are so exciting you are looking forward to spending time with each other, talking a lot about yourselves, your interests, what you like, what you dislike so on and so forth. You go to new places, explore new things, do everything together – eating together, shop together, travel together etc.
Over a period of time the excitement and enthusiasm starts coming down and fizzles out. You start focusing more and more on your work, your friends, your gadgets, more time on social media, hours and hours on video games etc. Nothing wrong in spending time on these pursuits. But it starts becoming a problem when, spending time together with your partner starts becoming a lower priority, conversations dry up, you exchange only the mundane necessary communication but it doesn’t go deeper than that. You stop trying to be extra nice to each other, you end up snapping at each other, saying unpleasant things in front of others (Even if it was meant as a joke, if your partner is hurt, it is not) etc. Can you relate to any of these?
You might have worked hard or searched hard for your life partner and finally got married. Your marriage might seem like an achievement, or the finish line. But it is not. Marriage/Relationship is not a trophy to place in your showcase and forget about it. It is like a small sapling to be nurtured, nourished and taken care of.
What is happening to you, is one of the main reasons why relationships start deteriorating. You have started taking your partner for granted or vice versa or you both are taking each other for granted.
Watch out for symptoms like
- Do you feel unappreciated by your partner for the things that you do for your partner.
- Initially you might have gone beyond your limits to do things for your partner and now your partner demands those things by default and get upset if it has not been done.
- Your partner has a lot of expectations on you but doesn’t take care of what your expectations are on them.
- Do you think that you both really understand and respect each other’s feelings and preferences in the relationship?
- Is your partner being nice to everybody else around but not to you?
- Is your partner respectful to everybody else around but not do you? Do you feel insulted or put down in front of others?
- Do you feel that you have stopped being special for your partner anymore or that you are not your partners top priority anymore?
- Is your partner irritated when you want to have a conversation? Has the listening between you come down?
Or do you find yourself engaging in some of the above mentioned
Yes, you are not alone This can happen to couples when they start taking their partners easy or taking their partner/relationship for granted. This is assuming that there is no other major relationship issues like an affair or abuse etc.
If both of you want to have a fulfilling life and a fulfilling relationship, then this can’t be allowed to continue and it is possible to reverse the condition. The first step for that is for the both of you to be aware that there is a problem. Taking your relationship for granted is a sure shot way to rob your relationship of the spark of excitement and lose the fun parts of your relationship and a sure way towards dissatisfaction and deterioration.
Also read – “We don’t feel the love any more. Is the Marriage over ? “
If you are the one being taken for granted, and If you want to improve your situation –
Talk to your partner:
It is time you step up and have a conversation with your partner that this is not acceptable and it is not good for your relationship and you both need to do something about it. Communicate your concerns very clearly to your partner. Explain why it is important for you and for you as a couple and your relationship. Communicate clearly regarding specific behaviors that make you feel that you are being taken for granted. Try to do this without becoming accusatory. Talk about your feelings to your partner.
Don’t keep trying too hard to please your partner:
If you think you are not being valued, then trying too hard, loving them more and more, trying to do things for them excessively etc., is not going to get your partner to value you more.
Focus on yourself:
Introspect to understand if you derive your self-worth only based upon how your partner values or not value you. You need to develop and improve on your own sense of self worth and self esteem not depend on your partner’s approval or disapproval or views. Focus on yourself, do things what you like, and may be take some time out for yourself.
Do not accept disrespectful behaviour:
Accepting or ignoring disrespectful behaviour or insults or put-downs, would only increase the probability of it happening again. When your partner behaves in a disrespectful manner, put a stop to it right away. Tell them in as many words that this behaviour was disrespectful and you will not accept it – and stick to your stance. When this is not stopped at the outset, gradually the damage will be so bad, it will become abuse over a period of time.
If you are the one taking your partner for granted and want to improve your relationship-
Start appreciating your partner:
Appreciate even the smallest things that your partner does for you and acknowledge it to them openly, genuinely and directly. You can appreciate their traits, their personality, looks, their actions, you can appreciate their success, progress, effort etc.
Be nice to your partner:
Be nice doesn’t cost a thing. Everyday you are nice to the shopkeeper, to your colleague, to your boss, and everybody else. Use a soft tone, pleasing voice, polite words, kind words. Show some understanding and empathy. Try to be consistent in this behaviour.
Show respect your partner:
Respect involves, how you talk, what you talk, what your body language shows, whether you are giving attention to what your partner says and value your partners opinion, discussing with your partner before you make a decision, making plans along with them rather than assuming it by default etc.
Plan fun activities with each other:
Just because you are married or in a long term committed relationship doesn’t mean you have to stop laughing and doing fun activities together with each other. Be it a romantic candle light dinner or go watch the starry sky. Romance is something that you have to keep alive in your relationship. It doesn’t stay that way automatically.
If you still feel stuck and if you feel that your relationship is not going anywhere, you can meet a professional couple therapist who can work with you to help you address the challenges that you face in your relationship.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/relationship counselling and family counselling. She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.