Love Fizzled out? Are you taking your partner for granted?
Why does love Fizzle out? One of the main culprits – taking each other for granted.
Rahul and Vibha (all names and the case details are fictional) were so much in love. They had a wonderful courtship period of 2 years, lots of common interests, many similarities and thought processes. Then they decided to get married. Despite initial problems from both their parents, finally they managed to convince their parents and got married. Both had good careers, had good earnings and wanted to have a good time and a good life.
Initially it was all wonderful, the time that they spent with each other, the places they visited, their sex life was great. But within 2 years they started feeling that they are drifting apart. They continued to be unhappy for one more year before they considered Couple Counselling/Marriage Counselling.
When they came in for couple counselling Viba would complain that Rahul was nice to everybody except her, that he would find faults with her but not appreciate what she does for him. There was no romance happening between them. Even conversations were becoming strained and not so frequent or fulfilling. She started feeling that he is bored with her. Her self esteem went down, she even started thinking, whether he is interested in some one else.
Rahul would complain that Viba was not taking care of him or even herself , that she doesn’t even dress up anymore. Their sex life has come down with respect to the frequency and had become monotonous. And that she is not interested to listen to what he has to say to her and every conversation becomes argument and every argument becomes a fight and it escalates. He felt that she has stopped being nice to him anymore and now has started becoming irrationally suspicious of him.
What was happening here? There were no other issues with respect to the families or attraction towards some one else or financial difficulties etc. In the absence of any other major problems, we explored how they were taking care of themselves and their relationship. What was happening here was that they had stopped being nice to each other and started taking each other for granted.
Taking your partner for granted:
One of the key challenges that a couple faces after that honeymoon phase is over is that, slowly they start taking each other for granted. This can happen in arranged marriages as well. When the couple were courting and in the honeymoon phase they were at their best of their behaviour at all times, which is practically impossible to sustain over a period of time. But that doesn’t mean your partner deserves the worst of you later on.
I hear people say, my partner should accept me as I am. My partner should accept both the good and the bad in me. Yes I agree.
Reserving the worst for your partner to deal with:
But when you take your partner for granted, you end up reserving the worst of yourself most of the times for your partner to deal with. You start with thinking, no matter what I do, my partner will be here. And I have the liberty to be myself (even my worst version) without consideration for your partners feelings. Over a period of time this starts building frustrations and resentments between the both of you. Your partner may also start behaving in a similar manner, and you enter into a vicious cycle with no escape – unless you both become aware of what you are damaging and work towards changing your thoughts and behaviours. More and more Criticism and contempt creeps in, leading to a loss of Respect in the Relationship.
Yes, in the real world, there will be difficult days in which you may not be in the best of moods, there will be tough circumstances when you may not be able to be in your best behaviour etc. But remember your partner is a very important long term relationship in your life and you need to make an effort not to make them a target for your frustrations. It might work for you to share about your frustrations to your partner, not necessarily to take it out on them.
Learn from the fact that you do put effort to be polite in other situations:
If you really observe yourself, you will find that you really put an effort to be nice and polite to your boss, nice to your friends, your colleagues, your relatives etc. Why is it so difficult to put an effort to continue to be nice to your partner, to continue to be pleasant with your partner?
Create beautiful moments and memories with your partner:
Your relationship gets strengthened when you create beautiful moments and memories with your partner. These beautiful moments and memories need not necessarily be exotic holidays or expensive gifts. It can be even a nice genuine warm smile or a hug that you might give your partner in the morning or in the evening or even a “I am thinking of you” message during the day. It can be in small genuine gestures that you show to your partner. Whether it is a word of appreciation, or warm loving touch, a small gift that you give or do something for your partner etc, but it has to be genuine.
Nourish and Nurture your relationship:
The little things that you do, that makes your partner smile, is what is going to sustain your bond with your partner, sustain your love, between the two of you. Your relationship is like a small plant sapling. Its going to need nurturing and nourishment in terms of adequate water, sunlight and protection from weeds and insects and other damaging factors. Like wise your Love and relationship needs to be nurtured with kindness, concern, compassion, affection, respect, trust. Your care and concern needs to be communicated to your partner in different ways. Without the nurturing the sapling will not grow and after some time will wither away and will be dead in the long run.
Taking each other for granted is one of the worst things that you can do to a relationship, which can make your love fizzle out, and both of you would end up being disillusioned and start asking this question, where did the love fizzle out and go away. You, your partner and your relationship don’t deserve it.
In the process of counselling Viba and Rahul re-learnt the process of being nice to each other and appreciate each other. They had to unlearn their habit of taking each other for granted and learn to cherish each other’s effort and presence in their lives. They learnt to be kind and considerate towards each other and to communicate effectively. To take care of themselves and their partner. Viba worked on her self esteem and was able to deal with her thoughts of suspicion. Over all their intimacy improved and both worked towards feeling secure in the relationship.
About the Author:
Kala Balasubramanian is certified Counselling Psychologist/Psychotherapist with a Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy, Diplomas in Counselling and has further certifications specializing in couple/marriage/realationship counselling and family counselling. She provides a supportive, understanding, professional and confidential environment to work with clients – Individuals and Couples explore their emotions, help them understand and manage their challenges, relationships and stress better.