Bullying in Adults. How it impacts you and your relationship?

Bullying can take many shapes and forms. It can be a behaviour to harm or humiliate the other person, to make the other person feel shame, fear or insecurity. But bullying is not random. It is deliberate, it is intended to hurt the other person in a specific way and it is a repeated pattern of behaviour towards one or more identified people who are perceived by the bully to be lesser or weaker in terms of power, strength and position etc.

We all have heard about bullying that happens in school among children but does bullying also happen in adults?

Yes bullying does occur in adults as well. Common cases of bullying that we might see could be at workplace, at social interactions, within families and intimate relationships. And nowadays bullying can also happen online either by anonymous trolling or as cyber-bullying. Yes bullying is a form of abuse.

When it comes to intimate relationships we call it relationship bullying. But bullying can also happen within the family – between parent and child, siblings, parent and adult child, between the person and in laws as well.  Bullying is a mechanism used to either feel powerful over the other person, to control the other person or to inflict hurt and shame on the other person.

Earlier it used to be perceived that all bullies suffer from low self esteem, may have come from abusive background in their childhood or may have suffered abuse by themselves. While for some this can be true but it is not essentially true in every case. A lot of the bullies have been found to have perfectly good self esteem and they come with a strong sense of entitlement.

It is generally believed that they have low social skills and low impulse control. But this is also debatable.  For eg., if the person(bully) is driving on the road and another driver cuts across them at a very close distance, then the person might end up shouting or abusing the driver in the other vehicle, pick up a fight (which might be unnecessary) because they are angry at that point of time. But if the person is crossed by a police vehicle, perhaps they would not shout and scream and hurl abuses at the driver in the Police vehicle. So definitely they are able to control their impulses when it comes to other circumstances but don’t control impulses when it comes to the other person whom they are bullying.

Bullying can happen by both genders against both genders. Bullying can happen towards elders in the family and also by elders in the family as well.  The initial perceived power difference gets established as a real power differential when the bullying is allowed to continue.

Verbal bullying:

Here the bullying occurs repeatedly with the intent to hurt or shame the other person through words. It could be abusive/name-calling/foul language being used or hurtful things being said or by the tone of voice – shouting, screaming or it could be by put downs, insults, blame, sarcasm, taunts, contempt, belittling, constant criticism etc.

Intimidation:

The bully repeatedly tries to make the other person fearful through intimidation via aggression, aggressive behaviour, threat of aggression, to gain control of the situation, control of the argument, control of the environment, control of the person etc.  Throwing things, slamming the door, aggressive body language etc could be intimidating. Intimidation can occur through a threat of violence, threat of loss of privilege or threat of shame.  Threat of violence could be towards the other or towards self.

Physical abuse or violence:

When bullying is left unchecked it can escalate and result in physical abuse or violence as well. Physical abuse includes – pushing, shoving, twisting, hitting, slapping, kicking, pulling, holding tight, confining etc – causing pain and harm to the other.   So it is imperative that bullying is stopped at the earliest possible than let it worsen the situation.  Now this is Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence.

• What should you do when you know that your partner or your close relative is bullying you?

Whether it is your partner or close relative, when they bully you, the first thing is to be aware that this is bullying. You may feel powerless or hopeless that you can’t do anything about it. But it is not true.  What you need to do, is to not accept it and continue to let it happen.  It is highly imperative that you establish some kind of a boundary for your relationship and communicate clearly in terms of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Bullying in a relationship is a clear sign if disrespect and disregard.

It is generally seen that bullies pick on the victims whom they perceive to have lesser power strength capabilities etc. The reality could be that one might have greater physical strength and other person might have lesser physical strength etc, but that doesn’t stop you from standing up for yourself and saying that this is not acceptable. Most of the times when you stand up for yourself, the bully would back away and learn to control their behaviour.

When you don’t stand up for yourself and get really intimidated and humiliated by the bully, they get the outcome they are looking for and that reinforces their behaviour. If they bully you to make you do something and if you end up doing it, that reinforces the behaviour in them, that bullying will get me what I want.

Find support for yourself if you find yourself in a relationship where bullying occurs. Seek counselling for yourself. Stand up for yourself.  Check whether relationship counselling is indicated or advisable for you at that point in time.  Try to address the issue before it escalates into physical violence or significant emotional abuse and damage.

• What should you do when you see yourself bullying others, but would like to stop?

If you have realized this and are aware of it, that itself is a first step.  Be aware that bullying has a significant negative impact on relationships, intimacy and will affect your over all relationship satisfaction.  Though you might get instant gratification of having your way in an argument or fight or decision, in long term, your relationship would deteriorate.

Seek support and professional counselling to address your behaviour, thoughts and emotions.

http://meanttobehappy.com/15-signs-you-may-be-an-emotional-bully-and-what-to-do-about-it/

• What should you do when see bullying happening (may be not towards you)?

Do not be silent and be a mute spectator. Don’t play it down or minimize whats happening.   You can’t take refuge under the excuse of bystander effect. When you see bullying occurring, speak up, in an assertive way,  but ensure that you don’t put yourself in harms way.

When you don’t say or do anything, you are condoning or encouraging the bullying behaviour.