We don’t feel the love anymore. Is the marriage over?
Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, is quoted as saying “change is the only constant in life“.
Love is a key component for a fulfilling relationship/marriage. But even Romantic Love keeps changing throughout life.
As a relationship counsellor I see couples who come to me for counselling, say that we don’t feel the love for each other anymore, I try to explain to them that love is not static. Love doesn’t remain the same as we grow as we have different experiences, and our definition of Love itself changes over a period of time.
Love grows, changes and evolves as we grow too as individuals as well as the relationship. Lets look at it as three stages / phases.
Falling in love stage :
Whether the couple had a love marriage or had an arrange marriage initially there is time of initial Euphoria. If it is a couple who had a love marriage then during the time that they had being together in a relationship, yes that’s the time I would say they had fallen in love. That is the time when your are hormones are raging, your head is full of thoughts about the other person, you can only see the other person as perfect, you don’t see any flaws in the other person, think of the person as the only person for yourself in the entire world. And the same thing can be applicable for people who had an arranged marriage, there would have been a courtship period before you got married after your engagement, during which you would have spent a lot of time with each other, trying to understand each other, spend time with each other, talk to each other, do activities together when you also might have felt this rush and heady feelings.
For a lot of couples this can continue after marriage as well for some time, which we might call the honeymoon period when you are still on your best behaviour, you still see only the best in each other and find them really exciting and you are looking forward to being with each other etc
Falling out of Love stage:
Well, at some point of time the honeymoon period comes to an end and reality sets in. What it means is that you have started living together, you have started to share a room, share a bed, share the wardrobe, washroom etc., and then you start seeing these small nagging things about the other person which might have earlier even been endearing to you, but which starts irritating you now. Now you start noticing the things which you perhaps don’t like in your partner, to start noticing things and behaviour in your partner which is not acceptable to you. This is a phase we would call as “falling out of love” phase
Being in Love stage:
If the couple is able to successfully navigate this phase despite the challenges, then they move into the next phase of what we would call as “being in love” phase. Here they might not have the great Euphoria or the excitement as it was in the falling in love phase but there is a lot more stable steady and long-term Love that is Sustainable.
This phase is characterized by adequate respect, trust, communication, care, concern, affection and commitment. Being in love phase gives you the stable platform to really plan and launching your future, be it children, or progress in career, whatever your future plans might be.
That doesn’t mean it has to become boring and monotonous. It is important for the couple to keep the spark alive to keep the excitement alive and they need to ensure they provide that nurturing and nourishment to their relationship and to each other so that they are able to sustain this long term love in their life.