Relationship Conflicts – is a Win-Win possible
Conflicts and misunderstandings can occur at all levels of interactions – work, friends and most of all family and in marriages. When conflict occurs, the relationship may be weakened or strengthened, based on how the 2 people treat each other.
Dev and Asha ( names changed for the purpose of confidentiality), a Bangalore couple, both working for MNCs, felt that their frequent arguments caused mutual resentment, hostility, and anger which threatened to end to their marriage. But they were also deeply in love with each other and wanted to live together. They decided to visit a Relationship Counsellor to see if they could salvage their relationship. To their utter surprise, they learnt that if misunderstandings are handled well, it could lead to better understanding, empathy and mutual respect and closeness between the couple. The health of any relationship is gauged by how the conflict is resolved, rather than the number of conflicts.
Conflicts can run all the way from minor things like how a person should dress, to some major things like finance and budgeting. Dev believed that Asha should dress properly because she’s his wife. But Asha claimed that her wardrobe was amongst the best in terms of cut, colour and brands. She wanted to buy a home soon and expected husband to be transparent about the expenses that he made without telling her and not give money to his parents without her knowledge.
In the course of counselling, they learnt that they both need to proactively solve the problem together instead of playing the blame game. This made them both responsible for the outcome and “own their marriage” in totality. It was a win-win situation for both. Dev realised that under all the fights and blame, Asha considered him as a priority and wanted to have a home with him. He too wanted the marriage to last desperately but believed that a man is alone responsible to take financial decisions and felt duty bound to help his parents financially. It took him a while to realise that his modern wife knew accounting and finances and could actually help him save a few thousands if he used her knowledge. Together, they decided to give a mutually agreed amount to his parents. After all, she respected them for the values that they had instilled in Dev.
Dev wanted Asha to dress in some particular colours and styles because she often attended office get-togethers with him. He took pride in her dressing well, as it reminded him of his growth, success and recognition in the corporate world and an evidence of his love for her. The day she dressed well, he would beam ear to ear and his confidence would soar even higher. When Asha realised how important her “dressing up” was for Dev, she rested her case and made some changes to her wardrobe. She was willing to wear heels instead of flats and a long skirt instead of saree, as it made her husband’s confidence grow. They were both willing to adjust and accommodate their spouse’s wish because each saw that their own wishes were also respected and fulfilled. Along with some valid pointers to manage conflicts, it was a win win situation for both of them. The dreams that they had seen together, looked a little more realistic and achievable.
Some pointers to handle conflicts in a healthy manner :
- Sometimes it is healthy to lose an “individual” battle so that the couple can “win together”.
- Putting yourself in other persons shoes might show you a different perspective and forge mutual understanding.
- Ask exploratory questions rather than blameful questions. This could throw up valid insight into your spouse’s values and needs.
- Take responsibility for your feelings, thoughts, actions, assumptions and beliefs. This reduces the chance of your partner becoming defensive.
- Compliments, encouragement and praise when given appropriately and genuinely can put water on many a fires.
- Agree to disagree respectfully. It’s okay if your spouse doesn’t agree with you 100%. He/she has a right to think differently and look at life from a different perspective. Differences can be harnessed to bring variety and adventure in the relationship, while, similarities bring togetherness and comfort.
About the Author :
Samiksha Jain is a trained and certified Professional Counsellor. She offers her clients a non-clinical approach to therapeutic counselling in a friendly, warm and confidential environment to talk through their experiences and difficulties. This allows for a trusting relationship to develop and enables the clients to achieve their goals effectively. She has worked with couples to manage relationships with a wide range of challenges like sexual and sexuality issues, stress and anger issues, depression, marital discord, parenting, financial discord, fears and phobias, anxiety, grief etc.