How to Save your relationship post an affair (Part -1 )
You had an affair. The affair has been discovered by your spouse/partner or you have decided and disclosed the affair to your spouse/partner.
What to do now?
Your partner has reacted strongly to the revelation. But you do want to save your marriage/relationship and do not want to separate from your partner. Your partner doesn’t seem to be sure.
You tried to talk among yourselves but things seem to get only worse. What can you do ?
I am not going into the types of affairs and their typology here. No matter what type of affair it is, the following will be applicable.
It is normal for your partner to feel aggrieved by the affair and feel betrayed by your actions, and may react strongly to the disclosure and might even be suspicious of your otherwise normal actions thereafter.
What can you do is, try to be as transparent as possible. Self disclosure is preferred than, responding only to specific questions from your partner. Try to answer your partner’s questions genuinely and completely.
Once the initial roller coaster of the reactions subside, your partner may want to know a lot of details about the affair and this might involve multiple discussions.
What your partner really wants from you is to be able to see and feel true remorse from your part.
Here I would like to highlight the difference between regret and remorse.
Regret is to wish that you hadn’t done the offending action (here it is the affair). You may regret something because it may have resulted in pain or hurt or loss to yourself or others; because it led to an undesirable outcome. Regret can make you feel angry, grief, and hurt.
On the other Side Remorse is a true and genuine sense of admitting your own mistakes and taking responsibility for the same. Both for the actions done and for the hurt caused. Remorse moves you to render a true and genuine apology. Remorse truly moves you to not do the offending actions again in the future. Genuine Remorse is not possible when you blame the other person or the situation or even yourself. Remorse is genuinely not possible when you feel that somewhere your action was justified.
It is important for the two of you to be able to express your true emotions to each other in an open, healthy and safe manner.
If you are able to show to your partner genuine remorse – that includes the commitment and belief to not engage in the same actions again – Then you might see light at the end of the tunnel. You can start looking at repairing the damage that has occurred to the trust in your relationship.
If you both are not able to handle it or it is getting worse, You can meet with a professional relationship counsellor or therapist. The therapist will enable the both of you to decide if you both want to recommit to the relationship. If yes, you will be able to work on the damage caused by the affair and also look at the other relationship issues that you might have.
To know more, or to fix an appointment, call us at +919632146316 or write to us at counselor@innerdawn.in
Read my next post to know What can be done by the aggrieved partner.